The word he’s looking for is sassy. He better pray he don’t find it.

Last night I dreamt that Ho-Ho left a message apologizing for spending $1000 on catheters. That’s 1694 catheters based on my Interweb search.

Today she called me to say she swallowed her crown and needs another one … to the tune of $1K. I would like to say I am psychic, but really, dropping a grand on her is a pretty common occurrence.

Tonight my friend Anand is coming over. He lives two miles away and I have seen him twice in two years. Let me know if you are in the market for an awesome friend that talks about how she is so psyched to see you all the time when you move here and then she totally sucks at life and turns out to be a terrible, worthless friend.

A stretch limo just drove by; they are so tacky.

Two weekends ago we traveled to Florida to celebrate the marriage of our two good friends, Siobhan and Dave. I spent the last six months or so stressing about my speech to be delivered at the rehearsal dinner. I talked to more people than I should have about my insecurities and wrote and re-wrote the silly thing. It all worked out in the end…mostly due to the 80s hair-metal band that hopefully drowned out my stupid jokes. Overall, the weekend was awesome;Tons of old friends, lots of sun, mixed drinks and pool time sans kids. Oh, and a wedding.

I spent much of the weekend stalking two of Siobhan’s friends who are supposed to be Apple “geniuses” (such bunk) in the hopes they would fix my Ipod. I was that person who casually said, “Oh, you work at Apple. Well I have this issue and…” – commence “the look” between the two of them and a growing shared hatred of yours truly. Apparently they were too busy vacationing to help me out. Bitches. And…I lost my wallet – CRAZY!!! I know. Good think I had the foresight to hand Mr. Swirley my ID at O’hare on our way out of town, otherwise I would be writing this poolside right now.

In case you are wondering, my blinds are still filthy and our car is still smashed in from last weekend’s bumpercar game on I-90. Spec-goddamn-tacular.

Wise words? Bring it.