I love when a belt buckle reflects what someone’s hobbies are.

My heart exploded today when, after listening to Pharcyde’s Runnin’ Away, EK announced that it was his favorite song. I have a Spotify collection of inappropriate tunes circa 1995-97 to which I will gladly introduce him when the time is right. Until then, crappy college stations will have to do.

A generally SFW sampling…

OutKast – Wheelz of Steel
The Pharcyde – Soul Flower – Remix
Wu-Tang Clan – C.R.E.A.M.
Nas – If I Ruled The World (imagine that)
Lost Boyz – Renee

Also, where have I been? This guy is ahmazing.

 

We met a little psychotic girl at the grocery store tonight and I have to say it made me feel better about my kid. I am not saying EK is any more behaved than this girl, because he isn’t. In fact, he is about 10,0000 times worse. But for a few minutes I felt like maybe he isn’t a total wackjob; unless she is his Bonnie. Then we are all screwed. I also smacked down the smug checker-outer guy who loudly announced that “some people need to learn how to control their kids.” Does that make me smug too? To tell him off? I just don’t think it’s as easy as it appears to keep a terrorist at bay when they are surrounded by candy and generally strive to ruin our lives. That’s all. And it’s not like we all elect to take our 2 year olds + to go grocery shopping, but, baby’s gotta eat!

What the hell is wrong with Joe Walsh? If you don’t know what I am talking about, don’t even waste your time. Seriously. You will hate me if you look him up because you could have spent that time breathing or something.

On a happier note, tomorrow is Pączki Day!! If you don’t know what I am talking about, consider yourself ROBBED! Screw beignets, the Pope and the State of the Union…Polish doughnuts will claim Tuesday’s top news spot in our fine city…as it should be. God bless our fat American asses.

Oh, I roofied like 40% of the drinks here. It’s a numbers game.

Creeper alert! Remember how I joked about EK being the class creeper after reviewing his school evaluation? Oh, so hilarious, right? RIGHT? Well, it’s official, my son is perv. Not only did he honk my boobs TWICE today, but below you will find evidence of just how determined he is to involve himself in a sexual harassment suit in the semi-near future.

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Oh, hi Judy. That’s a great graph. Let me lean in to get a closer look

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Judy, Judy, Judy. You are TOTALLY misinterpreting this. I really just want to know about this graph. My hand slipped. It slipped!

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Bruh, did you see that? I totally just goosed Judy. Fistbump.

Balls. And I mean that in the most serious way.

I offer you this autographed hat signed by Salt, Spinderella, but not Pepa.

Oh snap! It’s a new month. That means five truths and a lie time!

1. Yesterday I attempted to make a pinterest-like Valentine for EK’s classmates and failed. Then I gave up on life and went to bed.

2. My elbows, knees and ankles won’t stop bleeding. I would provide photographic evidence but then you won’t be able to eat. For a week.

3. Even though the room underneath EK’s bedroom isn’t heated (don’t ask), his floor is super warm and cozy. It’s even more comfortable when I don’t have a pillow and use a barbie-sized blanket to “keep warm” from 1-4 AM (also don’t ask).

4. I have almost convinced myself to buy a new camera except for the fact that we need to paint our house, get a new roof, eat, you know – luxuries. Perhaps slamming the old camera against my palm in an effort to loosen granules of sand out of it wasn’t the best idea. Pish posh.

5. I f’ing love winter. It’s the best.

6. I have no loyalty when it comes to TinyURL vs. bitly. Does this make me a communist?

These all might be lies. I don’t know. I am going back to bed. That my friends, is the honest to god truth.

Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to Never-Never Win Land.

Gallery

This morning I woke up and asked Ellis how he felt. He said “sick” and then asked if we could stretch together. I asked him again after we went downstairs and he replied indignantly: “I already told you mama. I … Continue reading

Did you give my son baby brass knuckles?

It’s that time of year, my friends: Ellis’ annual evaluation. I know what you are thinking, “Holy Sh!t, you must be stressed out!” And yes, yes I am. I vacillate between excitement and pure fear anytime I am tested and/or evaluated. This apparently also applies to anything my kid does…so that is really healthy. My fight or flight response was this same this time last year, when Mr. Swirley and I shoved our behinds in toddler sized chairs and faced the American Idolesque panel of (amazing) teachers. The sheer terror! Well, not really but somehow I was still nervous. Today we received the individualized evaluations of our tiny terrorists and I am proud to announce my kid is the class creeper. That right! He may not impress the ladies with this potty training skills, but he can sexually harass the crap out them.

  •  Ellis is very affectionate with both his teachers and classmates
  • Ellis has a great relationship with both his teachers and classmates and is very affectionate towards them.
  • [H]e is easily comforted with hugs and kisses from his teachers
  • Ellis is very affectionate with his friends and is always there to give him an enthusiastic hug, though at times he does need reminders to use gentle touches when he gets too excited.
  • Ellis also loves to sing and can often be found just breaking out into song while working on other activities or when on a walk

I suppose we already knew this was going to be an issue when a teacher told me that 20 month old EK clapped and rubbed his hands together while yelling “It’s showtime” while his friend Lu was getting her diaper changed. Yikes.

In other news, he is LOSING HIS MIND UPSTAIRS. I can hear books and anything else his tiny Hulk arms can lift flying against the wall and/or floor during his predictable nighttime rage. Evaluate that, ladies. I escaped his clutches (he favors the hug-headlock) as soon as he started to snore.

I also painted a piece of furniture with oil based primer and didn’t realize it’s incredibly difficult to remove said paint from one’s hands until after I essentially took a bath in it. I just scream “crafty”.

What a display of athletic prowess. It’s like watching a beauty contest between Sam Cassell and Jeff Van Gundy.

Tonight Ellis and I had a holiday dance party. It was pretty much the best night for which I could ever ask. Cee-Lo’s Christmas album, our dancing socks wearing thinner with each step on the creaky floors and someone as clumsy as yours truly thrashing about the living room with me! Plus, I only had to offer him some milk in exchange for our powerdance session; I have a feeling it will take a lot more than that to get him to get down with his old lady mom when he is a super-hip jerkface teen. Still, I am going to miss him in 16 years. I think.

Source: Postecrets

I love hospital parties! Where’s the bar?

It’s the beginning of yet another month and that means …nine truths and a lie.

1. After visiting Home Depot (x2), Menards, Walgreen’s, CVS, JoAnn Fabrics and Dominick’s, I have come up empty handed  in the crappy made-in-China bow department. What the shit, people? The guy at JoAnn’s told me they were sold out three weeks ago – that is like July! Ridiculous. Or perhaps it’s more ridiculous that I have been going to so many stores looking for stupid bows.

2. Mr. Swirley is gone again. This means the clown lights come on even earlier.

3. Ellis was so far beyond awesome last night that I considered liking being a parent during the 2s. Then today happened and I once again hate my life.

4. My dinner tonight consisted of eight stalks (is that what they are called) of asparagus and a beer.

5. Last week I called our contractor a crude name for a prostitute…in Czech. Then I threatened to fight him in the face. This is only the third time I have met him and I think it brought us closer. Except I am still slightly furious…if that is possible.

6. On Friday, a security system consultant man named Mel came by. After assessing the current state of our home and learning that we have house guests arriving on Thursday (in less than 48 hours), he left the house laughing. Like belly-shaking laughter.

7. I will not visit Taco Bell once this week.

8. Ellis has another homework assignment that will not be turned in on time (due tomorrow). Nothing to share at circle time. Again. An outcast at 2.

9. Our bedroom looks like a college freshman’s dorm room. Girl, obviously. We have standards.

10. Tommy D is taking Ellis from Xmas through Dec. 30. F jewelry or make-up – this is the best Christmas present ever.