Dustbunny Ranch

If you ever visit, you will likely receive an email similar to the one below. Basic take away is that I am the world’s worst hostess.
Dear Thornleys –

What up? So I just checked your arrival times (I like to wait until the last possible moment to know any details about people’s visit) and I see you get in at 4:25 PM Thursday. So I should expect to see you Saturday sometime in the late afternoon.

A few things you should know:
       –   Although I have known about your visit for the past however long, I will wait to clean until you are wheels down. Thus, fingers crossed Libby won’t have to wade through dustbunnies to get to her bed but I cant promise much more than that. 

        – Our walls are covered in marks. It may look filthy, but many of the marks are from me trying to clean smaller marks off. Note to shitty developers – don’t use flat paint. Note to stupid buyers – don’t buy from scumbag developers. Moreover, don’t be so stupid.

         – We have 12 gallons of milk in our fridge. Don’t ask why.

 … Santa sightings blah blah.

 John Hancock – we can go up to the top and have an 8.00 beer and take in the views.
 …. more tourism ideas.

Or we can just sit around and stare at each other.

Hugs and kisses,

Things I neglected to do prior to/during the visit:
– grocery shopping. Yes, not like it’s crucial for a hostess to feed her guests. Ellis pitched a fit in the produce aisle so that is far as we got.
– make dinner. I diced tomatoes, shredded lettuce, and fried up some taco meet…only to have it taste like garbage. Failure. 
– put the duvet cover on the comforter. I count this as a half-failure because I:
1. washed the duvet.
2. put clean sheets on the bed.
– use my turn signals. I am a real jerk driver.  I decided my guests should know about this as I repeatedly signaled one millisecond before it was time for us to turn. I am pretty sure they hated me for that.

I am sure they can point out more of my mistakes, but those are the one that really stand out to me. 

I did arrange for a sitter for Friday night and proudly announced that to our waiter during dinner. So that was a minor success. But in general, if you come to visit in Chicago, keep your expectations low and everyone wins.

I just gave Ellis an early Christmas present (his own pots to bang together) because he is being so annoying. Maybe he is just trying to get my attention as I am sitting at the computer.

Animal print pants out of control.

My hands smell like a mixture of urine and really bad breath. No, it’s not from a diaper or bathroom mishap. It’s due to my mom’s new Walmart candles. I am not sure who decided that vanilla hazelnut candles (which are already incredibly offensive to my olfactory sensory neurons) should include a slight dose of urine combined with halitosis to really set these candles apart…but let me tell you, it’s got to be bad if I am complaining.

I also feel terrible about not buying Ho-Ho a tree. I should get her a wreath, but that means a second trip out there this weekend and more money spent. Call me Ebeneezer if you will, however, we are hemorrhaging money when it comes to her and it’s not like there is one square inch of table/floor/seat space to set a tree. Especially with the life-size Santa sitting on her guest chair. Yes, life. size. But she doesn’t feel like her apartment is festive enough.

Ellis now says “no”.

So last week we hosted the IL visit of the Thornleys (you know my 80th cousin 12 times removed, or something). It was, as the Czechs say, tak super. We visited the Children’s Museum, Shedd Aquarium, Ms. Anna’s family farm and our basement couch. All the while little Libs (almost two years old) referred to me as “carrot” and “cow” because she had met a cow named “Annie” a week prior to their visit. Apparently she also wanted to pet me.



smooching the whales

Ze meatball!

Ellis and Libs kept it real the entire time and almost convinced me that two kids under two could be sort of awesome. Libby spent much of her time showing Ellis the way of the world (“NO! Eleees”, “Watch Eleees!”, “Come Eleees!” “Eleees!”) Add the meatball to the mix (“lil” potter – 3.5 months old, 45 lbs and probably the sweetest kid this side of the Mississippi) and it was a pretty sick weekend. I even missed them after they left. I know! Crazy!

In the last week I have spent approximately one zillion dollars on Christmas gifts with not much to show for it. Yesterday we went to IKEA where I spent more money and Ellis screamed the entire time. I now can tell the difference between judging eyes and empathetic eyes..the latter are usually accompanied by a small smile and head tilt and the former  includes narrowed eyes and flared nostrils. An IKEA worker suggested I go to the family room (AKA family bathroom with a chair…gross) because of the screaming. A nap is a nap – wherever, whatever. I should have told him that I am damn patriot spending money at a foreign chain but of course I didn’t. I also didn’t go to the family room and instead kept shopping. Santa has work to do, yo.