I’ve never been very good at letting things go. I can’t tell you how many times a fun tug of a war with a dog over a chew toy turned contentious. One of always gets mad.

Last weekend, after Ellis decided to quit it with all of this hand, foot and mouth stuff, we got down to business. Although one of us was covered in scabs, we ventured out into the world which began with a trip to Winnetka. Have you ever been? It’s amazing! You can leave your stroller outside and it’s still there when you emerge from whatever store. People don’t let their dogs poop in the park and there are no parking meters! Is this heaven? Almost. According to the ever accurate Wikipedia, Winnetka is “one of the most exclusive and wealthy suburbs in the nation.” They totally want us to move there.

Because I could no longer sit inside our house for fear I would hurl myself out a window, we also decided to: 
– Hit up the Chicago Kite Fest (underwritten by a relatively unknown group that goes by the acronym NATO)
– Engage in a a stare down
– Take EK’s first dip into lake Michigan
– Play with a new outside toys – a gift from his amazing and generous mom.
– and, venture to the zoo to look at ducks and water fountains. What? Summer is officially here.

EK and Uncle Jeff at Kite Fest. Unfortunately, we couldn’t get our kite to fly. Where was dad? At an all day Frisbee tournament lamenting the aging process and making it all the way to the finals.

Game on, buddy – 30 second stare down.
First visit to Lake Michigan…Jeff and Olive lead the way.
OH MY GOD THIS WATER TABLE IS AMAZING! Papi may think it’s too big and misses his patio table…but mom doesn’t care. I think she is the best even if yesterday she held up traffic because she was too busy poking at her belly rolls.
We (and by we I mean Ellis) also spent a little time thinking about our bad decisions, picking thumbs and looking pretty pathetic. Moments before this photo was taken he was standing on a bench and ignoring his mom’s “tushy or knees” request. Next stop, no fun chair.
Like his uncle John, EK enjoys peeling his thumb like a banana.

Do you know what keywords keep bringing people to this blog”
“labyrinth trash lady”. I am actually pretty thrilled about this little fact. Not because I have anything interesting for them to read, but that people are seeking out pictures of our favorite Muppet. Other common keywords include:
– neck wattle
– goldie hawn, jamie wild, toffuti overboard. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (all separate searches)
– i recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale

Very strange people wandering around the Interwebs.

When I ask Ellis if he thinks I am fat, he responds, “yes.” There is no mistaking that response – he enunciates as if his life depends on it. When I ask him if I thinks I am pretty, I get silence.

Ho-Ho is sleeping over tomorrow night. I am sure I will have some nice updates. Last time she stayed overnight, she put her shoe-clad feet on my wall to push herself up onto our bed. I have a nice little scuff mark to remind me of this little incident and how I need to purchase espadrilles for her from now on. She also enjoys spraying my perfume all over the bathroom each time she goes in – which is 900 times/day. What else? Oh, Ellis will enjoy the TV blaring from midnight-6 AM in the room adjacent to his as that is the only way she can sleep, but then she tells me she can’t sleep. It’s all so confusing.

Then we have a psych appointment where we will experience a lot of circular logic and I will likely slam my face against a door or something. Recently she has reincarnated one of her old “stalkers” that Mr. Swirley and I laid to rest a few years ago with a fake obituary. Modern medicine! Given this fun twist with regards to her psyche,  “we” also might change her drugs which will likely cause major chaos in the short-term and general disappointment in the long. Wah wah. Upside is the G is in town this weekend for my cousin’s graduation and  family shenanigans which include yelling at the top of our lungs so he can hear us, him mocking our parenting style and probably some sort of missing tooth incident. I can’t wait.

I recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale. Left those at a Wendy’s, on the way home, so… the economy.

Well, I finally did it. After years of close calls, climbing through windows and the like, I locked myself out of the house and had to pay a locksmith to let me in. You might say, “Hey, at least Ellis wasn’t inside”. And then I might yell in your face, “WRONG! Because if he were, he could have opened the door after being promised Jello-O and I wouldn’t be two hundred dollars poorer.” Yes, you read that correctly, two hundred dollars. Oh, and that EK will only eat Jell-O.

This isn’t like the time that I locked us out while we were moving into our new condo in DC – Big Bill and Little Bill literally holding our couch as we attempted to use a credit card to jimmy our way in. Or when I spent the day at the Bucktown library pre-Ellis reentering my password every 20 minutes since their computers there are programmed to stop people from monopolizing them; I pay my taxes, g-dammit! Or when I locked myself out while I was barefoot, seven months pregnant and wearing Mr. Swirley’s clothes. No, this was a locked out with no cell phone, wallet and a boss who was already irritated with me before being told that I am dumb. Again.

The day started bright and early at one AM with EK screaming for no apparent reason. Since he was sick yesterday, I took pity and caved in to the “mama, hug, couch?” request. An hour and a half later, he was back in his crib and I was in bed – sore from trying to support my weight on one arm since our couch is approximately two inches deep by three wide and he took up the entire space because he is a fatso. Fast forward four hours – alarm beeping, snooze button hit, late, yikes. I shove a bagel in Ellis’ face, head out the door with toddler in one arm and a big pack of diapers in the other (I stole his diapers from school last week when I ran out.) Click. Locked out. Sweet mother of pearl.

I dropped EK off at school and figured I could jimmy my way in because things always work out in the end. You might wonder why I don’t have our house and car keys sharing a ring, and let me tell you, I wonder that same thing every day. Yet nothing changes. To add salt to the wound, I have no idea what purpose four of the six keys on the car ring serve. So that is super helpful.

The entire time I was attempting to break into my home (AGAIN) I was thinking about 1) work and more importantly, 2) denying Mr. Swirley his bowling banquet tonight where he will get lots of bowling alley food and some of the $20/week spent for the past year on bowling refunded in some sort of whacked out awards ceremony. I imagine an MC is sporting a nice mustache and wears his bowling glove to add a little flair to the event. Wouldn’t it be perfect if Mr. Swirley got $200? He won the $200 back! Really I just felt guilty about making him walk a mile to the train stop in the rain at nine AM because I am a complete and utter moron. I don’t even want to hear it, Neil.

So I call a locksmith and dude shows up and told me it will cost me $250. Say what? I offered to pay him his rate in cash and we don’t have to tell his boss –  but it was a no go. What? Aren’t we in Chicago? Is he a red-blooded American or one of those communists I hear about? Freaking May Day. Then he took 12 hours to open the door with me just inches from his face offering sage advice as he jabbed random sharp tools into now busted door knob. Although visibly frustrated, he did complement Mr. Swirley’s installation of our extra security bar thingamajigs which made it virtually impossible to get in. I have to admit that it was somewhat validating he took so long to pop the lock since we paid him what is equivalent to one fiftieth of the cost of  Ellis’ 2038 college algebra book. Maybe I am aiming too low -a pre-Calc book.

While my new frenemy was busy installing our new latch , which in no way matches the existing hardware, I called the contracting company and complained about the price. He got on the phone and pretended to hem and haw when really he had already hung up. I have seen a zillion cop shoes, dude, I know the game. Don’t underestimate me you Hyundai driving locksmith – if I am willing to pay you  under the table, I am certainly going to confirm prices and called his company back. So not only was he angry with me about refusing to allow him re-key all of our locks for $45 a pop – what? I don’t mind having nineteen different keys to get into my house – he then whined about the new price since it he spent a whole 20 minute working on the lock and cracked his phone in the process. If my math is correct, he got paid $10/minute – that is what you pay to talk with Michael Lohan and he is a mega star, right? And regarding the phone, I almost offered to kiss it and make it all better.This city is turning me into a terrible person.

Then I called the cops on lazy ass movers who were parked in the 15 minute loading zone in front of EK’s daycare. I offered them a chance but they did everything but give me the middle finger, so screw them. I really am a terrible person.

I can’t wait to see what $200 mistake I make next week – as of now I am two for two.

Maybe you’ll spark to this! (part III)

I attempted to pen a “where are they now?” post on actors from the films Willow and Return to Oz, but I am simply not passionate about those flicks. I can quote them, and joke about severed heads and hot Val Kilmer, but I just don’t have it in me to dedicate hours (eek) of free time doing frivolous research on random cast members. Instead, let’s try to delve a little deeper into the activities of the cast of Overboard – there are certainly more characters that deserve recognition and apparently I am more of a freak than I originally thought. But not as much as this guy; even for me, this dude is Crazytown.

If you don’t want to watch it (which is probably a good idea), this is what goes down: He spends three minutes summarizing Overboard and attempts to draw an analogy between the film’s overall message and his motivational presentation on “removing one’s blinders”. I am not going to lie when I say I incorporated a a number of Goonies and Overboard quotes into my final few college essays, but this might be taking it too far. Or at least be a little more freaking enthusiastic when you are talking about the greatest love story every told.

I always misspell definitely as defiantly.

Overboard Part III.

1. Katherine Helmond aka Edith Mintz. I initially avoided the “Mona discussion” because in my opinion she is a pretty big star. Perhaps I shouldn’t assume that everyone has followed her career as closely as say, Tony Danza’s, but she is a real A-listers far as I am concerned.

Katherine played Goldie’s mom and matriarch of the fancy family.  She spent her days patting her turkey wattle and tell Goldie that she shouldn’t have baby “because then you won’t be the baby anymore.”

If this dress ever goes up for auction (the fool who parts with it!) I am buying it.

My goal is to be as good a mom as Edith so Ellis can grow up to be an unappreciative, spoiled jerk who wears high cut bathing suits and a 20 karat diamond ring. You have to have aspirations! So what did Katherine go on to do after Overboard?

First off, she continued to work on her turkey wattle. Naw, the above still is from Soap (well before her role in Overboard). I have to say she is a baller. Benson, Who’s the Boss? (you have to live under a rock to not know this), Coach (hey yo!), Everybody Loves Raymond and the ever popular Harry’s Law. The woman has been acting for over 40 years and received nominations for seven Emmys and four Golden Globes. The most I have achieved so far in life is a nice muffin-top. Plus she is still foxy.

The sauciest grandma around.

2. Roddy McDowell aka Andrew.

“$1.99 fish bait”

Again, I thought his career was so over-publicized that I didn’t need to cover it in my little research project. Plus he was the producer of this fine film. I mean, how can you not know who he is?  Anyway, Roddy McDowell is what we like to call a “career badass”. According to the weirdo motivational speaker, he was the heart (and money) behind Overboard. While I might not go that far, I do think his role as Andrew the butler was seminal in Joanna Stayton gaining some real insight into what a spoiled b she really was and teaching us about the repercussions of serving gelatinous muck (bad caviar) to fancy people.

McDowell had already established his cinematic street cred well before butlering Overboard . He started out as a child actor in Flicka, Lassie Come Home and How Green was my Valley?. I have never seen these films but just look at him – the dude is no joke. Over the span of his career, he starred in plays on and off Broadway as well as in over 150 movies, television stories, developed an extensive collection of movies and Hollywood memorabilia, and published five acclaimed books of his own photography.What? I didn’t even shower today. And a little bit of trivia for you – in December of 1998 The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) honored him for his acting career and critically acclaimed photography by naming its photo archive after him.The collection, which includes several million negatives and stills, will be known as the Roddy McDowall Photograph Archive at the Margaret Herrick Library. Road trip!!

Unfortunately for us all, McDowall passed away from cancer on October 3, 1998, but he left us with this quote to live by:“I absolutely adore movies. Even bad ones. I don’t like pretentious ones, but a good bad movie, you must admit, is great. “ I am not saying he was referencing Overboard but…

3. Henry Alan Miller aka Dr. Norman Korman aka Harvey Miller aka Harvey Skolnik. Doesn’t everyone have 12 names?

The writers were simply BRILLIANT when it came to character names. Rose Budd? Normal Korman? Ingenious. I didn’t initially want to write about Normypoo because I am eternally resentful of his treatment of Goldie following her rescue from “Elk Snout”; You can’t normalize an entitled lifestyle when you have eaten bugs, dammit!

In reality, Hank was actually a pretty amazing guy. Not only was he BFFs with Penny Marshall and Albert Brooks, but he pretty much dominated the entertainment biz. He was the head writer for the Odd CoupleCosell, Bobby Riggs, Billy Jean King, Paul Williams, and Alan Ludden into Hollywood. After working with Goldie on Private Benjamin (for which he received an Oscar nomination for best writing), I am certain it was clear she was the only choice for the ever complicated role of Joanna Stayton. Post-Overboard, he had cameos in Big, License to Drive, Beaches and Awakenings. He even got a shout in credits for War of the Roses and continued to be a true Hollywood star until his passing in January 1999. According to his former assistant (via IMDB):
“Harvey was always the life of every party and set. He was a unique talent and irrepressible spirit. This world is now a far less interesting place without him. He will be sorely missed.” Yet another reason why I am jealous of the Proffitt brothers – they got to kick it with a Hollywood OG.

4. Mona Lyden aka Gertie aka Mona Lyden Moore.

That Gertie, she had a heart of gold. She let Dean steal Billy away anytime he pleased and was an all around stand-up gal looking out for her man and his buddies.

Well my friends, she still is the real thing.After her fun in Hollywood which included minor roles in Hooperman (?), Beaches and Anything but Love she decided to help people find their flair. For my California-based friends and family, meet Ms. Mona Moore – founder of Personal Packaging, Inc.

Yep, it’s her. She provides color and body proportion analyses, style and wardrobe design, personal shopping and business and social etiquette. Where was she when Dean was pounding and her and Billy’s window at all hours of the night? Social etiquette my ass! No, she is legit. According to her website:
Mona Lyden Moore is a Past-President of the Association of Image Consultants International,  Southern California Chapter, a worldwide non-profit professional association specializing in visual appearance, etiquette and verbal and non-verbal communiation.[sic]

If you call her, I will totally call Greg Proffitt.

5. Ray Combs aka “Cop at Hospital”.

Oh Ray, RIP. Our favorite host of Family Feud who took his own life was a real ray of light (no pun intended. Well, maybe a little) in this flick. His limited role added a bit of levity to an intense and dramatic movie. I mean. he bought his wife a pair of panties at a garage sale. I would like to think that if his character was granted a name it would be Officer Horace Oregano. I am not sure why, but I think it’s on point.

I feel secure in my statement that Overboard was the catalyst for Family Feud producers Mark Goodson and Howard Felsher  to reach out to Ray and offer him a seven year contract to be Mr. Party Central for families across the country. According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, the show enjoyed major success, however, ratings dipped in 1993 and it was dropped to syndication. Eventually Combs was replaced with the original host, Richard Dawson and everything went downhill from there.

The taping of his final episode aired in first-run syndication on May 27, 1994. During the “Fast Money” bonus round, the five answers given by the second contestant each netted zero points. Ray joked, “You know, I’ve done this show for six years and this [is] the first time I had a person that actually got no points and I think it’s a damn fine way to go out. Thought I was a loser until you walked up here. You made me look like a man.” Then, instead of mingling with the two competing families at the end of the show, Combs walked off the set immediately after his sign-off, got in his car and drove away.

 

Yikes. Aside from the Feud, Ray revved up the WWF crowd by bad mouthing the wrestlers and causing some major brawls. Dude lived on the edge. His story gets pretty sad after this, so let’s just remember our favorite Elk Cove policeman, Horace Oregano, and his contribution to what can only be described as cinematic magic.

Siskel and Ebert’s review. Siskel is obviously and idiot. Seriously, he should have been fired after this review.

OK. I think that is it. Recently I visited my OB and she asked if I “felt my family is complete” with one child. I told her “yes”, we are good to go. However, I could not say the same when it came to researching the cast of Overboard; it’s been haunting me at night (when I am not stressing out about no one showing at our neighborhood clean-up or in a crib with a toddler). Finally, I can rest.

Ellis has a long road ahead of him – 16.5 years before he can get out of this insane household.

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Elk Snout (part II)

II.

I am not sure how I could have missed the fourth Proffitt brother since I have seen the movie ten million times, but KJY pointed out that twin #2 was neglected in my previous post. As Grover says, “Oh, I am so embarrassed.” Well, let’s keep this yacht sailing.

5. Proffitt brother number four aka Greg Proffitt aka Jamie Wild aka Twin 2 was the quietest one of the group. His lack of lines (and my moment of ridiculous insanity) are no way indicative of his contributions to the movie. I mean, he wore crazy hats, yo, was in the midst of a pyro phase and, as Dean Proffitt said, was “the actor in the family”. Greg was integral to the success of Overboard.

I always wore my leather hat to my one room schoolhouse…
…unless I was wearing my button laden trucker hat. Glorious.

Where is he now? Well, the Internets lead me to believe that he resides in or near our nation’s second city. Yes my friends, right here in the Chicagoland area. I sent him a   He accepted my Facebook friend request and my subsequent inquiry leads me to believe he works in marketing – you guys can do the rest of the leg work.

 
And indeed you are reading my mind! How amazing would it be if we could organize an Overboard happy hour? Pure heaven – me and the Proffitt boys. Mr. Swirley thinks I am an idiot. Perhaps, but I know at least three people who would be incredibly jealous if I split a six pack of Old Style with these dudes. Time will tell.

On a side note, I am absolutely terrified of the powers of the Internet.

Moving on.

6. Portuguese garbage scow captain Mr. Tunatti AKA Frank Campanelli was a real catch for this cast. Pun intended. Famous for embarrassing local journalist (with terrible hair) Rose, Campanelli sang his heart out for all of Tillamook County to enjoy via K-RAB TV. Plus, he pulled the lovely Annie Goulahie out of the water following her little dip into the ocean.

Let’s be honest, he stole the show as the “Renaissance garbage man.” Though I can’t credit Overboard for launching his career, I can tell you it was a real notch in his belt. Following his 1987 seminal performance, according to the always reliable Wikipedia, Campanelli led a life playing a “tough guy” in movies and shows; his 6’5″ stature and Italian immigrant parents even helped him teach Deniro Italian as a young Vito Corleone in The Godfather: Part II. Unfortunately for us all, Mr. Campanelli passed away 2006 – but his celluloid contributions will be forever appreciated.

7.  Miss Adele Burbridge aka Doris Hess was a real something or other. Oh you know what I mean. As an esteemed teacher in the Tillamook Co. public school district’s apparently one room schoolhouse, she took it upon herself to give Dean Proffitt and his children the business. Even if that required them to take the Heinekan-Coors Miller aptitude test (Schwartman and Heinleken) while they were suffering from the dreaded poison oak. What a B…urbridge!

Well what has she done since Overboard? Jag. Caroline in the City. Night Court. Murphy Brown – need I continue? Well I can’t because I can’t find anything else on her.

8. Rose Budd (yes – that was her character’s name) aka terrible hair lady aka Carol Williard needs to be discussed. Though her role was in the film was limited, it was clearly invaluable. She was the first reporter on the scene and delved into the drama of Joanna Stayton’s amnesia. Can you imagine the pressure? Without her Dean wouldn’t have found the love of his life…his Katarina.

Following her pivotal role in Overboard,Williard stole the show in Pretty Woman as sales lady #3 in the Rodeo Drive boutique snubbing  of Julia Roberts scene. From frumpy newscaster to snotty saleslady – this woman refused to be type casted..

Impressed with her versatility? I certainly am.

In searching for an update on her current position in life I ran across this little youtube gem – you think it’s her? You might not immediately recognize Ms. Williard because, according to her, she has smoked ten million cigarettes since 1987, but it totally is.

Plus I am proud she stopped smoking.God bless her.

9. We can’t wrap up this little research project without talking about Ms. Tofuitti Klein ein ein ein aka Lisa Beth Ross. She was one of Grant Stayton’s new girlfriends after Mrs. Joanna fell off her yacht – but she was by far the most intriguing. She only had one line, but she delivered it with gusto. Check it out below.

Where is that conch-loving lady now? Still on IMDB.

I guess she only exists on the interwebs. Oh well.

So that is that. I know there a bunch more cast members that can be discussed at a future date – unless one of you wants to pick up the ball.

Hugs and kisses.

Has it escaped your attention that these children have head to toe poison oak?: An update on the cast from Overboard (1987) (part I)

To celebrate the rolling forward of clocks, resulting extra hour of daylight and tricking of my child to go to bed at 6 PM, I have decided to do a  “where are they now” report for the the cast a little 1987 flick you might have heard of…Overboard. If you know me, you are aware that this is my all-time favorite movie. I can recite line after line and unfortunately for my family, do a little too often. My research has taken me minutes to complete* and I have used numerous resources, well, four – IMDB, Wikipedia, Facebook and LinkedIN. All totally reliable.

PART I.

First off, I am going to skip Goldie Hawn and the always impressive Kurt Russel because, well, just because. For those of you who are disappointed, below is a photo to sate your hunger. These two love birds are my idols when it comes to marriage.

Let’s get  to the meat of the movie’s cast.

1. Edward Herrmann aka Grant Stayton III.

Mr. Stayton is best known for shooting clay pigeons off the top of Joanna Stayton’s (aka Annie Goulahie aka Goldie Hawn) yacht and whispering sweet nothings to Tofutti Klein via a conch phone. While in my opinion he could never surpass the glory of his role in Overboard, he continued to act in both film and television – most recently in The Good Wife, Treasure Buddies (?), and Price Check (?). And of course as the beloved pops/grampie on Gilmore Girls.

He was  also a giant, measuring in at 6’5″ and is known for narrating for many a special on the History Channel. Voice of an angel, a historically accurate angel..

2. Mike Hagerty aka Billy Pratt. I mean, they could have used his real name, no?

Billy, Dean’s (aka Kurt Russell) best friend, was best known for his ability to drink two beers in mere seconds, woo the hell out of a bowling alley attendant and doctor Goldie’s photos so well she believed she was in the navy. She was in the NAVY!

Look at that raw talent! Billy was a real natural when it came to layout and design.

So what has he done since the 1987 pinnacle (again, my humble opinion) of his career? Well in 2011 he starred alongside Mr. Herrmann in “A Christmas Wish” – so happy to see Overboard success stories keeping in touch. He was also in a 2009 episode of Monk…which ups his rankings in my book.  And a whole lot of single episode gigs plus V.I. Warshawski. I mean, how can you beat that? Billy is one of my favorite characters in film – a real pal willing to go the extra mile for a friend. Even if that meant taking the blame for an suspicious pair of panties found in Dean’s truck. Friendship people, friendship.

3. Jared Rushton aka Charlie Proffitt aka twin

Let’s be honest – he was the brains behind the motley crue of Proffitt boys. Gluing Annie’s hands to her plates? Oh yes. He wore his sunglasses at night. Literally. In my research, I came across a blog entitled washedupcelebrities.blogspot.com. First off, Rushton is not a washed up celebrity; you can’t go any higher after a movie like Overboard. And secondly, everything on this website is BS – see for yourself.


Jared is a former child star best known for his acting roles in the movies Big and Honey, I Shrunk The Kids.

WHAT Insanity. Rick Moranis and his giant bugs don’t have anything on the amazing inventiveness of Charlie. I am disgusted.

Jared has since moved on from the cinema to the music industry where he is in two independent bands.

SPOTTED ON THE FAR RIGHT!

I checked out Deal by Dusks facebook page and came across this gem – as far as I am concerned, Jared will always be the maximum.

4. Next up is Brian Price aka Travis Proffitt aka Roy.
Roy has been a name considered for animal and child alike for KJY and myself since watching this movie 15 years ago. Key chains, cats and now now my child all sport these three sweet yet powerful letters as their (nick) names. Travis was the eldest of the three Proffitt boys and struggled with a smut “habit”. Apparently he made $25K for his role (according to IMDB) – I would have paid him ten times that. Plus he is from Illinois and as a result, I am now a little more proud to call myself a FIB. I did a little Interwebs stalking and it and it appears he was bit by the entertainment bug for a short time – serving as a carpenter on movie sets (ELF, Duets and Leaving Normal) and moved on to  motivational speaking? You tell me – does young  B. Price look like the older version of B. Price found via his amazeaballs blog  here. I am not 100% sure but I would certainly sign up for one of his seminars to confirm.

5. The third Profitt son cannot be ignored. Little illiterate Joey Proffitt (aka Jeffrey Wiseman) was the heart of Overboard with his flawless delivery of “Babaaabaabaabaaa” when imitating Golide Hawn’s psychological break down to Dean while she lay on the couch.

Like his fictional older brother Roy (and I like to imagine real life best friend), young Joey was also born and raised right here in America’s heartland. Post-Overboard, he went on to “star” in Home Alone and Babe. I have been searching for anything post 2002 (when he graduated from Iowa State) and all I can find is a Facebook profile. Did I send him a friend request? Oh yes, yes I did. Facebook Jeffrey lives in Chicago, went to Iowa, looks a hell of a lot like Joey and has Overboard listed as one of his favorite movies. Fingers crossed it’s him!

It’s totally him. Little Miss K says taking him out for a beer should be on my bucket list. Sign me up!
If you ever feel like reading the script in its entirety, download it here. You will never look back.

*Please note this whole project turned out to be a little more challenging than I originally thought and I might lie to you from time to time when summarizing certain actors careers or current place in life.

Check out part II for an update on Greg Proffitt, and the garbage boat captain -Foka!

And part III for Andrew and Gertie. It shouldn’t be missed.

Click here to like Swirleytime on Facebook for quirky shares,  links and a lot of self-deprecating humor. Follow me on twitter @swirleytime.

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Five truths and a lie

Today…

1. Ellis was in birthday suit for less than one minute and I turned around to find him with his hand in a wet puddle on the floor.
2. I broke down crying in the Bean-O aisle at Kmart.
3. I offered my child to no less than five strangers.
4. We participated in a fire drill at Oak Park Arms (OPA) where I witnessed people actually moving at a negative speed.
5. Anna, a resident from OPA, asked if EK was a boy a girl. When I told her obvious truth, she asked, “How do you know?” I laughed it off and then she requested to see “it” … and went on to elaborate what she met by “it”.
6. Mr. Swirley has tomorrow off.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

I cleaned out the ole closet this weekend and let me tell you, boy were there some real gems hanging out in there. Let’s see, there was the pseudo-denim skirt I purchased in the Czech Republic in 2000. Then the silk blouse my dad kindly purchased for me in 2000 just before my first job interview – worn exactly twice (also to my second job interview).

  
Then there was the bag of clothes my mom gave to me when I was pregnant. Note to Ho-Ho, just because I am pregnant doesn’t mean I shrunk to 5’3″ and wear size XXL deep -dresses and “sheaths”. A few Old Navy sweaters that were just a ridiculous purchase for a number of reasons and the coup de grace, maternity clothing that was given to me by my aunt as a gag…however, for whatever reason I held on to them (and maybe wore them…cough cough.)
Yes, those are maternity bicycle shorts.
All of these clothes are still sitting in a bag in our hallway in case you are interested in putting dibs on anything. They are going to be donated tomorrow, or whenever I decide to actually drop them off. 
Mr. Swirley is downstairs and might die from an ear infection. The poor guy is waiting for his eardrum to explode…for the second time in six weeks. The last time we went to the MD, he told Mr. Swirley that an exploding eardrum is natural and healthy. I pretty much feel like that is 100% false. Especially since this MD told me I could take sudafed while nursing and my milk wouldn’t dry up. Opinions about our doctor aside, it is almost certain that Mr. Swirley will need to get ear tubes shoved in his tiny earholes sometime in the near future. 
—–
This weekend marked the first real snow for the Chicagoland area. EK seemed to enjoy it and because Mr. Swirley is very concerned about Ellis getting frostbit while we play outside, today we went to Patagonia and purchased two pairs of fancy Smartwool socks that cost the equivalent of a semester of out-of-state tuition at  ‘sconsin. But damn will his tootsies be warm!
First time sledding!

Believe it or not, Ellis is laughing in this photo.

Baby got back.
We also spent a little bit of time at the Children’s Museum and running around Navy Pier to burn off some energy and frustrate ourselves by attempting to navigate through the hoards of tourists. Then we let our child loose on the escalator. Don’t worry, it was out of order. Super decisions all around.
Looking westward.
Let me know about those clothes. For real. And I still love Friday Night Lights. Where have I been the past six years?

That’s what worries me about this guy, he’s equal parts Hanson and Manson.

I just asked Mr. Swirley to move over one couch cushion because I don’t want to touch him. It’s been that kind of day. I feel like a terrible mom for feeling so frustrated with my kid, but I can’t lie. I just wanted to shake the living crap out of him today (I obviously didn’t actually shake him.) At around 2PM, Mr. Swirley called me four seconds after EK threw a plastic bucket at my face and nearly snapped my glasses in half. I promptly hung up as Ellis attempted to break our new vacuum cleaner and destroy what was left of my broken spirit. Mr. Swirley called back a few minutes later with a new time-out suggestion which I ran it by the boss lady at preschool; all I can say is “GAME ON!”. However, Ellis  might not be able to understand my certain demands through his mom’s tears and shaking shoulders, thus enabling him to continue ignoring me like the amazing 16 month old he is.

I just read through my cousin’s blog posts from June 2011 to see if her daughter drove her nuts when she was 16 months old. Nope.That makes me feel better about myself.

Mr. Swirley is trying to read this post and I told him to “step off. This is my creative process.” See! He is sitting way to close too me.

Friday Night Lights is awesome.

Tonight marked day two of our feeble attempt at weekly menu planning. Since Ellis weighed in 2lbs underweight, we are making a more concerted effort at organizing our meals vs. a nightly “eenie, meenie, minie, moe.” Good news is he ate a ton. Bad news is that it is likely an unsustainable “streak.

My amazon prime membership expires Feb. 14. How terrible is that? It’s my most favorite mom shopping perk.

And for the biggest news, on Monday I spent my lunch hour at Banana Republic and purchased nearly $800 worth of clothing for $130.00. Granted, it likely cost BR $12.00 and a sandwich to make the clothes, but I am pretty pumped about my new shrugs.

Here’s to hoping I am a more patient and loving mom tomorrow. Bwahhahahaha.

Poop jacket.

Some fun facts about the past 72 hours

FRIDAY
– I ate some bad lunch meat and didn’t notice until a few bites in.
– Ellis’ little friend Tater’s belly isn’t too fond of cars and despite what you might think, it is OK to park on a downtown Chicago sidewalk.
– Ellis stepped in dog poop and then unintentionally wiped it all over my jacket and hand. I didn’t notice for a few minutes.
– The world might be ending (it was nearly 60 degrees outside) or at the very least, Tom Skilling should consider a new profession since he is 100% wrong about this being the worst winter in the history of the world (so far…).

SATURDAY
– EK doesn’t like getting his haircut. Too bad. Well, I felt kind of bad when he was screaming his face off, but he quickly forgave us post-haircut since he was able to read the same books he has at home at a pay-by-the-hour coffee play placeamajig.

– Ellis’  head is nearly the same size as Mr. Swirley’s. They can share hats, no lie.

– Our first parent-teacher meeting was a success! Apparently Ellis is indeed a maniac at school, has a healthy appetite, loves to read and did I mention is a maniac?
– I still find football incredibly boring. Weird. Every weekend I surprise myself with how little I really can care about something my husband finds so fascinating.

SUNDAY
– Ellis’ shoes are NOT in the garbage. Do you know what is in the garbage? Dirty diapers, coffee grinds, banana peels, apple cores, wipes, pizza boxes (I know, we should recycle them), etc. etc.
– Baby girls are super fun. Especially when she is your future daughter in law.

– Ellis bugs me (sometimes). I am sure the feeling is mutual.

GENERALLY SPEAKING
– When opened by a young troublemaker,  ALL of our doors now slam into walls.  Ellis decided that doorstops are so 2011.
– EK is going through a jerk phase. I am that mom who cannot seem to control her kid but I SWEAR I am trying (most of the time).
– Sometimes I sit for a prolonged period of time with my leg completely extended and then try to walk only to fall on my face. By sometimes I mean at least 1x/day.

Pop quiz hot shot

True or False

over the past few days I…

1. Contracted some sort of bug immediately before I left for DC and wanted to die starting nine minutes into my first outbound flight through yesterday afternoon.

2. Somehow used 5GB of data on my phone since my plan rolled over 12 days ago, yet I have not had it on for the past month because the battery runs out of power one second after I turn it on. So that is pretty sweet.

3. Got a bloody nose and dripped it all over the beige carpet in my coworker’s new condo.

4. Continued to be a terrible house guest by stealing toothpaste and a literal handful of shampoo from my coworker’s bathroom.
              a. I undressed while still holding said handful of shampoo.

5. Bitched and moaned about our work retreat being a waste of time and then ate a big old slice of humble pie served to me family style by the folks out at the Airlie Conference Center.
              a. I thanked my boss (in front of my coworkers) for organizing the retreat and let him know that it wasn’t at all the waste of time I predicted it would be.

6. Packed a work cardigan but no shirt to go underneath it.

7. Slept in sweatpants dotted with dried nosebleed blood.

8. Got into an argument with a US Airways flight attendant at the Philadelphia airport on the way home
               a. Apparently I am wrong to assume that a flight attendant dressed in a US Airways uniform standing at the desk next to the gate from which I just exited is there to help customers locate connecting gates. I am not paraphrasing when I write that she said “I am a flight attendant trying to work. Go look at the screen.” What she neglected to tell me is that the screen only shows flights going to cities “T’-“Z” so that was super helpful when I was trying to find my Chicago flight.

9. Dropped my jacket sleeve into the Philly airport toilet.

10.Unintentionally (?) left my jacked on the plane.

11. Was that creepy person staring at a baby on a lady’s lap for oh, I don’t know, an hour straight. I found out he was 10 months old and I can’t even remember Ellis being that little. That was five months ago – FIVE! Do I need to take Aricept to help me with my memory? Am I losing my mind? Does the guy sitting across from me reading the weird harlequin sci fi novel have awesome sunglasses on?

12. I am wearing loaned earphones the size of the moon

13. Shenanigans aside, I am still in an incredibly good mood.

If you answered true to all of the above questions you win today’s prize.  It’s a choice between buying yourself something special for baby J’s birthday (courtesy of your bank account) or a flight home delayed 2.5 hours! Wait, evidently I have already claimed the latter offer.