I can’t believe our assignment is to make a diorama of us making our nineteenth diorama.

1. I like day-old coffee more than fresh coffee. A lot more. However, I do not enjoy two day old coffee.

2. Last week I accidentally brushed my teeth with Desitin ointment. It’s like brushing your teeth with Vaseline that tastes like a baby’s butt.
   2.a The tube of Desitin is still next to the tube of toothpaste.

3. Our car was ransacked over night. It took me five minutes to realize this because our car is normally, um, sort of a disaster. No damage since it was left open – see, my airhead behavior can actually pay off!
   3.a. The thief(ves) stole less than $1 in change but left an expensive car seat AND a permanently disabled placard. Weird and stupid.

4. Today is the recall election in WI. I think my dad’s head will explode if Walker wins.
   4.a. If Walker does lose, it will be the third time in U.S. history that a Governor was recalled (thanks to B.W. for the factoid)

5. I can’t believe Tim Riggins isn’t throwing his name into the ring for the second installment of the Hunger Games. It’s physically painful to imagine him playing Finnick and then realizing it will never be a reality. Why does he hate me?

6.  This is what 33.5 looks like.

If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

Look, I am not going to beat around the bush. I am pissed. Not pissed like “I locked myself out the house then later realized our bedroom window was open” pissed. No, I am seriously pissed. We just received our appraisal and it came in below the amount required to refi w/o PMI. What does that mean? It means I found another way to waste $250 this week…and you thought I couldn’t go three for three. Fools! You might also think I am above drinking a bottle, er, I mean glass of wine out of a coffee cup. Well, it hasn’t gotten that bad but I certainly considered it. It’s better than straight from the bottle.

In other money-spending news, we bought ourselves a little security camera for the front porch. It cost about as much as the grill, but apparently it’s the the principle of the matter. Last week I found that we didn’t calibrate it quite correctly when I adeptly (yea, I said it) climbed over the fence and tried to break in. Not one picture was taken! But I did find this one and wrongly assumed Mr. Swirley was checking out a fine little Bosworth boo at 6 AM. Instead he was examining a stain on the sidewalk caused by our recently planted (badass) planters.

Chocolate Chex are the most amazing treats ever. Three of the fourteen boxes of cereal purchased yesterday are of the Chocolaty Chex variety. Go buy some and tell me I am wrong.

When you ask EK his name he says “Ellis Svingen” which is probably how those giant Norwegians pronounce it. Always trying to show us up, that kid. Well, I know my name too, buddy. So there.

I don’t know who possessed EK when he was telling us his name, but I am certainly happy he snapped out of it when we got to the animals.

I downloaded some new apps…can you tell?

Snack time with mom aka popcorn in a sieve.

The ole’ pants off game. Players: 1.


And am hellbent on taking the worst pictures ever whenever I am near EK. Nostrils flared? Check. Weird grimace? Oh yea. Eyebrows raised? Why not? Errant wiry, grey hair? Look for yourself

Look over there Ellis! See the mom and son taking a perfectly nice picture together?

And then my heart fell out when he almost busted through the chicken wire and plunged ten million feet below into the monkey pit. They were totally monkeys, so don’t give me that crap about confusing apes for monkeys and calling me ignorant.

Chicken wire? What? Thanks Brookfield Zoo. All I could think about (aside from Ellis’ possible perilous plunge and my love for alliteration) was our faces on the 6 o’clock news and the newscasters shaking their head at our level of stone-cold irresponsibility. It’s chicken wire – completed inadequate to hold anyone over the age of fetus! This is a very long caption. Perhaps it doesn’t really count as a caption but I am not going to cut and paste it into text.

As a complete non sequitur, once I was the handler for an Iraqi delegation and they asked me, at nine o’clock in the evening, to get their clothing dry cleaned…due nine hours later. I took it home, washed, dried (in pay machines no less!) and ironed their duds, put each article of clothing on a hanger, placed them into used dry cleaning bags and delivered everything to their hotel in the morning.

I am relieved to know that chins, unlike noses and ears, don’t continue to grow throughout your lifetime. That would be terrible.

We had a re-birthing ritual in my friend’s hot tub. I’m now a level five laser lotus in my Buddhist community.

I don’t know what to write about so here is our April video two days early. Two days early you lucky sons of bs!. If you can make it through the entire video you will see Ellis performing his rendition of the “ABCs” while holding the camera.

Have you ever driven out to a rummage sale the night before, stayed a hotel and shown up bright and early Saturday morning willing to elbow whoever got in your way? Sort of a “spend money to make money” mentality? I haven’t. But we almost did and it was almost amazing. Little Miss Krissa and I still watched Overboard Friday night and drank some delicious beers, but it wasn’t in a dingy motel room. In six months we will do it for real – this was just a practice run and g-d dammit, we were amazing.

Last weekend Johnny Mic and Uncle Dave watched EK while Mr. Swirley played his hippie sports and I went wedding dress shopping with the GM and Sio. Everyone survived their respective activities and Ellis even picked up a few new tricks like calling people “simple” and pulling his pants up.

Have you checked out this blog? IT’S WONDERFUL and mean! Seriously. And this one.

K bye.

Sametová revoluce

I am sitting here waiting for Ellis to start crying because inevitably, the moment I slip into bed I will hear the saddest “mama”s this side of the dirty Chicago river. It’s been one of those days.

So today I will write about the Velvet Revolution (sametová revoluce). It occurred in the latter months of 1989 (November-December) and ushered in a new, democratic Czechoslovakian government – farewell Husak and the rest of you fools!.  Alexander Dubček and Vaclav Havel (recently passed) were the Czechoslovak rock stars that personified this revolution for many – but we all know it wouldn’t have been possible without the popular support of the citizenry. Why am I talking about this? Because I used this analogy when I spoke to my MD about treating of my disgusting burn.

…talk talk talk…cheese…keep it moist (FYI I hate that word) 

Dr. Miller:  “It [the burn]needs to build from the ground up.” 
Me: (excitedly) “Like Democracy! Like the Velvet Revolution.” 
Dr. Millter: (hesitantly) Yes?

Next up, lustration. For the CZ/SKs, it was the removal of party hacks from positions of power. For me, gross, charred skin. Can you fire patients? Jo. (yes)

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

WHAT?  Did you know you can figure out the location (side) of your gas tank without getting out of the car? There is a little arrow next to your gas gauge that  does all the work. Can you believe this? Mr. Swirley can. Evidently he learned this fact in utero and I am a dummy. Well, I sort of am a dummy since I have circled my car more than a zillion times (cough) to figure out that little mystery. Why I can’t remember which side my tank is on is an entirely different issue.

See it? That little arrow pointing to the left? What will they think of next? A way to communicate electronically? Chocolate flavored soda? What a world.

I always go the extra mile to avoid doing things.

My hands won’t stop sweating. Gross. It could be due to the fact that I am wearing 12 layers of clothing and sitting 1/2 inch away from a space heater that is set to 85.

Taco, taco, taco. I am not sure why that word keeps flashing in front of my eyes. Any ideas?

Ellis has been a bit of a tyrant lately. Two nights ago he woke up at 2:30 AM screaming his face off. We let him cry until 3 AM and then went into his room to check on the little man. What did he want? Yogurt. Yes, sweet, delicious early morning yogurt..served up to him by dad and only dad. Then a little tour around his room to say g’night to his friends and back down. Weirdo.

Last night I turned on his fancy, new butterfly light thing from his great grandpa and EK ran around the house yelling “buhfly, flap! flap!” and wildly waved his arms up and down.

In case you are wondering the lyrics to the traditional nursery rhyme, “Ba, Ba, Black Sheep”- it goes a little something like this.
Mom: Ba Ba black sheep have you any wool?
EK: Bobbing his head around and throwing in a baabaa
Mom: Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. On for my…
EK: Dada!
Mom: and for my…
EK: Dada!!
Mom: and for the little…
EK: Dada! Baabaaa
Mom: Black sheep…

My house is so messy. I wish I could take a giant eraser and start over again. I also haven’t checked the mail in three days because I am too lazy to walk outside. The box is three feet from my door.

Ooh! Ellis has a new friend in the building. Ms. Katelyn Rae was born a few days ago and is the sweetest peanut ever. We are besties (she peed on me, so I think that makes us friends).

In preparing for our upcoming trip to CA, I am working to stop using the term “terrorist” in reference to EK. Honestly, it’s not going too well.

We are on week two of menu planning. On Sunday, I made a curry dish that offered up enough saturated fat in one serving to max out your weekly allowance. I start to gag even thinking about it. Ellis seemed to enjoy the curried chicken until Mr. Swirley gave him a piece that appeared to singe his little mouth and thus discourage him from eating for the rest of the night (hence the early AM yogurt debacle). Oh well.