I love when a belt buckle reflects what someone’s hobbies are.

My heart exploded today when, after listening to Pharcyde’s Runnin’ Away, EK announced that it was his favorite song. I have a Spotify collection of inappropriate tunes circa 1995-97 to which I will gladly introduce him when the time is right. Until then, crappy college stations will have to do.

A generally SFW sampling…

OutKast – Wheelz of Steel
The Pharcyde – Soul Flower – Remix
Wu-Tang Clan – C.R.E.A.M.
Nas – If I Ruled The World (imagine that)
Lost Boyz – Renee

Also, where have I been? This guy is ahmazing.

 

We met a little psychotic girl at the grocery store tonight and I have to say it made me feel better about my kid. I am not saying EK is any more behaved than this girl, because he isn’t. In fact, he is about 10,0000 times worse. But for a few minutes I felt like maybe he isn’t a total wackjob; unless she is his Bonnie. Then we are all screwed. I also smacked down the smug checker-outer guy who loudly announced that “some people need to learn how to control their kids.” Does that make me smug too? To tell him off? I just don’t think it’s as easy as it appears to keep a terrorist at bay when they are surrounded by candy and generally strive to ruin our lives. That’s all. And it’s not like we all elect to take our 2 year olds + to go grocery shopping, but, baby’s gotta eat!

What the hell is wrong with Joe Walsh? If you don’t know what I am talking about, don’t even waste your time. Seriously. You will hate me if you look him up because you could have spent that time breathing or something.

On a happier note, tomorrow is Pączki Day!! If you don’t know what I am talking about, consider yourself ROBBED! Screw beignets, the Pope and the State of the Union…Polish doughnuts will claim Tuesday’s top news spot in our fine city…as it should be. God bless our fat American asses.

I offer you this autographed hat signed by Salt, Spinderella, but not Pepa.

Oh snap! It’s a new month. That means five truths and a lie time!

1. Yesterday I attempted to make a pinterest-like Valentine for EK’s classmates and failed. Then I gave up on life and went to bed.

2. My elbows, knees and ankles won’t stop bleeding. I would provide photographic evidence but then you won’t be able to eat. For a week.

3. Even though the room underneath EK’s bedroom isn’t heated (don’t ask), his floor is super warm and cozy. It’s even more comfortable when I don’t have a pillow and use a barbie-sized blanket to “keep warm” from 1-4 AM (also don’t ask).

4. I have almost convinced myself to buy a new camera except for the fact that we need to paint our house, get a new roof, eat, you know – luxuries. Perhaps slamming the old camera against my palm in an effort to loosen granules of sand out of it wasn’t the best idea. Pish posh.

5. I f’ing love winter. It’s the best.

6. I have no loyalty when it comes to TinyURL vs. bitly. Does this make me a communist?

These all might be lies. I don’t know. I am going back to bed. That my friends, is the honest to god truth.

You are not just clients to us, but nameless strangers with money as well.

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Tonight, while clipping Ellis’ nails I noticed he was hoarding the “moons” under my thigh. Apparently he wants to “save them for later”. Gross. I knew a kid in college that did that so maybe I should be concerned. I also met a kid who would sprinkle his, um, gross netherhairs (??!) on hockey players when he checked them. No, I should be worried. Really, really worried.

I have spent the past month combing the web for necessities to make our house a home…and once again I ended up at Walter Drake. They know me so well.

Aww snap! A toilet snuggie with matching everything? We have finally reached “baller” level and it is dope.

The old metal carton holder. Apparently someone complained that “with the handle, it takes up a lot of room.” Weird. I would have never gathered that from picture. Plus, I am always dropping things made for gripping. And it’s on sale!

Tremendous. Don’t call me a braggart but If this doesn’t motivate me to host a housewarming party, I don’t know what will.

I consumed an entire pan of brownies within 24 hours this past week so this really isn’t all that unreasonable.

Note that I can pin (and will) Pin this. So glorious.

And for the spiritual pet lover in the house…

Let me know if you want in and we can go halvies on the shipping.

Turns out you can’t keep a 14 year old you married in Mexico. Even if you have the receipt.

Tommy D is keeping Ellis for a few days so Mr. Swirley and I can get some work done around the house. This translates to me sitting around alternating between eating peanut brittle and Parmesan garlic cheese spread. Poor Mr. Swirley is keeping busy painting a bathroom, hiding TV wires, installing fire alarms (whoops…realized we don’t have any!) and completing other household duties. Oh, I am also splitting my time between drinking wine and beer…don’t want to forget the crucial details. Living the dream!

However, I did spend a few hours in the basement last night. While it might not look like I accomplished a lot, I did. Check out the stuff I found!

This is one of two entries

For those of you who can’t read it…

I like school usually, but not always. Some times (sic) it is fun, some times (sic) it isn’t. I like when we wacth (sic) a movie. But I don’t like when we have tests espeshilly (six) when they are division. Which I have not had yet, but I will soon. 

p.s. I am learning times at school. Age 8

Entry #2. I will entitle it: Boy Prob.

I don’t like any boys at Randall school. Some of the boys are cute. But in Chicago there were lots of cute boys. Some of the boys that I liked, licked (sic) me.

Wednesday March 1, 1988

P.S. Some of the boys that licked (sic) me I did not like.

looks like some grammatical issues scratched out.

Boy Prob.

I am sorry, but after finding these I feel like this has been a pretty successful clean-up session. Though I do have to say that it is interesting I am purging all of this supposedly essential stuff I have held onto for years and replacing it with new “stuff” like Ellis’ old baby clothes and mountains of finger paint paintings. I wonder how I will feel about this new collection of memories in 20 years or so.

I think “The Notebook” is possibly the worst movie ever made. Or book written or whatever it is. It makes me mad when I hear people talk about what a good film it is. Because it isn’t. Really. If you want a love story, you know what movie I will send your way.

So far the best perk of living in a house is outgoing mail. I cannot tell you how exciting it is to not have to walk to a post box to mail something. I still seem to miss the post lady nine times out of ten, but at least our chances of getting something out on time are increased.

Last week my friend asked me if our garage was a house because it had curtains on it. Girl needs to get out more.

Darth Vader owns the Dallas Cowboys.

DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS???? I mean, of course you did. How could you not unless you live under a water barrel? It’s pretty much the HUGEST THING TO HAPPEN in 2012. Yes my friends, our favorite child actor from Overboard, Jamie Wild, is now engaged.

Jamie is pictured in the bottom left…in Goldie’s loving embrace.

I know! How pumped were you to find out? How did I learn of this amazing update? Facebook. He still hasn’t defriended me. I am guessing he will go ahead and do that after this post, but it’s totally worth it because I can:

1) Brag about knowing this fab piece of information and, if I have the balls…

2) Suggest this sweet little spring frock for the bridesmaids.

I will take the chicken entree and I fully expect to be seated next to Goldie.

Your daddy’s your hero? You should aim higher.. like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.

I am happy to inform you that the holiday spirit has invaded Warwick Avenue. This evening we overheard Ellis singing, “dingleberry, dingleberry, jingle all the way”. And scene.

Mr. Swirley claims we live in a clown house. I disagree?

Apparently he thinks we aren’t classy. Whaaaa? Maybe it’s the fake garland I found and put up EVERYWHERE instead of making dinner, or the beads hanging down from the chandelier? Call me a bleeding heart but I think if some tiny kid in China was forced made these terrible decorations, we are going display them for all to admire I don’t know how my mom amassed such an incredible collection of Christmas crap but I love it….all 100000000000 of Ho-Hos shatterproof sparkly plastic ornaments.

We found the most amazing children’s book at the library today, A, B, C in Chicago. Need to learn the alphabet? Look no further.
– A is for airport shuttle
– D is for dumpster
– H is for hotdog (pictured w/o ketchup)
– T is for trashcan

Ellis then freaked out and started cross-referencing this book with 1, 2, 3 Chicago making me go through it four times before bed with his flying back and forth between the books… “Lion? Lion! Tiboooon Tower? Tibooon Tower!!!!” Pretty exciting stuff going on over here.

Mr. Swirley has spent a good portion of the evening wearing a headlamp. Our lights work, so I am not really sure what is going on with that but I support it.

The news just told me to not carry my birth certificate with me in my purse if I go shopping downtown. The producer of that segment should be shot.

In my spare time, I like writing obituaries.

It’s three AM. Three. Do you want to know what caused me to sit up in bed? Monday’s catered working lunch might damage the finish on our conference table as we have yet to purchase a 1000 foot long piece of glass.

What else is preventing me from nodding off?

– Painting. We need to paint everything everywhere. Mr. Swirley finished Ellis’ room last night. God bless him.
– How do we properly hang pictures in plaster. My current method of accurately pin pointing a spot and slamming a tiny nail into the wall to hold a very heavy object will likely no longer work.
– I have no pants on and am very cold. This will not motivate me to find pants, only to complain.
– As a follow up, will I actually live up to my commitment to writing a post for the awesome Families in the Loop blog if I can’t even put pants on? I certainly hope I can pull my $h!t together once we are through this move.
– The usual “Ho-Ho” questions. We finally got her into a new counseling center and I am very hopeful that this will lead to some progress/quality of life improvements for everyone. That said, she told her friend that the mafia is threatening her doctor so she won’t prescribe a ridiculous dose of prednisone. Mom also doesn’t have enough pants.
– Organic food. I am back on this kick. I try to not be insane, but wanting organic food combined with my, um frugality, is not very effective when it comes to grocery shopping. Basically we have four things in our fridge and Mr. Swirley, again, bless his soul, has said nothing. I think he knows I am tottering on the precipice of insanity and a simple, “can we get some cereal?” might send me in a downward spiral filled with tears and hiccup-crying (the WORST!)
– Ellis. Recently he has been suffering from night terrors and it makes me very sad. We are on night three (knock on wood) where he has slept through the night…which is great. Otherwise he acts like Looney Tunes’ Tasmanian Devil and just spins round and round screaming his semi-round little head off.
– Auntie FaFa – She just had a baby (Anna Louise) and I am sending good juju to their little family and Fafa’s tatas. I hope they are well (this isn’t a passive aggressive comment to elicit a phone call…just a general thought since Sweet Annie Lou entered the world.)
– Moving. Will Comcast show up today? My guess is those bitches will string me along like the desperate consumer that I am. Will the neighbors judge us based on the number of booze boxes we have used for packing? Will they follow through on the promised jello mold? (I kid you not).
– My haircut. Every year I cut my hair and every year I hate it. I tell Mr. Swirley to stop me before it’s too late, but he is right in saying I get the idea in my head and sneak off to do it without even telling him. Still, he should stop me.
– Our new neighborhood. It’s pretty awesome. Especially because of this:

Nothing reported within a half mile radius. Granted, this is is only for a two week period of time, but I checked a few and it’s so nice to not worry as much.

In my current neighborhood’s defense, I just ran the same search for our address and nothing popped up. Really I am just stoked about having a garage and not cursing the guy who scraped my bumper every morning.
– In addition to the garage, I like the sound people’s feet make on the steps. I know it sounds strange, but it reminds me of my childhood home on Madison street. Even the feeling of the wood stairs beneath my own feet is incredibly comforting.
– Saying goodbye to the neighborhood kids. I love them. Lately they have been playing games of tag at dusk…such a nice sound. I also don’t know how to explain to EK that we won’t be seeing them as often. Same for our freighbors. It’s going to cause mass confusion and heartache for all three of us.
– Weight. Specifically, will I gain a whole other person if I continue eating out using the excuse that we are moving. I realize that this is the opposite of what I said about re: organic food, but trust me, these situations are occurring simultaneously.

It is now 4AM. What an exceptionally good use of my time since I have nothing but everything to do today to prepare for Saturday’s move. Oh well.

I love this song.

I wanna see if those wiener dogs are born that way, or if they start off normal and then get wiener.

The drama with Ho-Ho continues. I won’t even go into it because I might rip off my own face. Today she handed me a Walter Drake catalog and requested I order her some business cards. Have you ever looked at that little handbook of loveliness? It’s G-d damn amazing!

Ow! Those darned seatbelts are so uncomfortable for the 300+ million car driver and/or passengers in the U.S. Plus, this belt thingy makes your tahts bigger!
I call bullsh*t
The description is too much to not include. Put a lid on shockingly cold, hard seats and lids. Lid Cover keeps dust at bay and quiets slamming lids. Soft Seat Covers add cushioning and warmth… elasticized edge keep them in place. SHOCKINGLY! SHOCKINGLY!!!! Check out the product video here.
Again, I cannot beat the description – meow. Give your furniture an update for a fraction of the cost. High quality covers are made of handsome patchwork leather and easily drape over furniture.
The old swivel turn table. Good thing they updated this photo never.
I so wish we had sliding glass doors. Screw it, we have walls; this is art, dammit! Turn an Ordinary Wall or Window Into a Dreamland Escape! Beautiful Thomas Kinkade Window Art Curtains transform any room into a peaceful and idyllic retreat.
Toe straightener.
Thank you Lord!

In case you are wondering, they don’t accept paypal. However, Walter Drake does ship all of the stuff made by tiny Chinese hands off to Canadia, so order up, wannabees!

I got my first job when I was 9. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.

– Sometimes I like to think that the cars passing our house on I90 sound like waves crashing on a beach. They don’t. They sound like cars driving on a highway.

– I know this is a double standard, but second-hand boys’ bathing suits are fine and dandy while girls’ gross me out. I draw the line at underroos.

– Yesterday a city worker sat in front of my house for two hours and spat ten thousand sunflower seeds on the ground. He then exited his car and stood on the corner for another hour spitting more sunflower seeds into the sewer that his coworkers were cleaning. Then he left. Sometimes I feel really good about how efficiently our tax dollars are spent in the City of Broad Shoulders.

– Ho-Ho called to tell me she wants to change her Medicare insurance provider (Humana) and went on and on about how they won’t cover her drugs. Then she told me the prescriptions she was complaining about being unavailable would be ready for pick-up tonight.

– Last week she told me that someone stole her over the counter medications. I opened the jar and found that the remaining pills were covered in coffee grinds. When I offered the possibility that perhaps she dumped the pills into the garbage and didn’t fish them all out she shook her head as if that was an idiotic suggestion. Then she told me the meds were still usable – “just have to wash them off”. That makes sense.

Veep is an amazing show. You should poach cable from your uncle and watch it online.