No, he’s not a sly fox. He’s at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.

Poor decision making over the past 24 hours reaffirms that I am pretty much the biggest jerk in the history of jerks. And yes, I will elaborate to further embarrass myself.

1. Yesterday EK and I headed out to Oak Park to do Ardie Ho-Ho’s laundry. This is approximately a 12 hour affair which eventually leads to Ellis running wild around the place while I consume at least 12 diet cokes. I actually entrusted him with my mom (WHA????) and left him in her 500000000 degree apartment while I repeatedly ran up and down four flights of stairs to check on her laundry. I ended up hanging out with some caregivers and learned that while I am busy bemoaning how I have to drive out to my mom’s house on my days off (TWO/week!) to do her laundry and buy diet cokes willy nilly, these women are juggling three kids, two jobs with no help at home. On the west side of Chicago. One has a son in CPS’ special education system which is essentially nothing better than a holding pen. After she started crying I realized I needed to shut the Hell up. Then I went upstairs and found Ellis nearly naked wearing poop-sprayed pants (story for another time) on his head.

2. While we were at Oak Park Arms, we handed out Valentines to everyone in the lunchroom along with a Hershey’s Kiss. A normal parent would oversee such a process. I, however, absent-mindedly followed my kid around while he literally threw hard candy at sweet little old women so desperate to kiss him that they were willing to endure the abuse.

3. Today I dragged him to Patagonia for their annual mega-sale and can say with 99% confidence that I was the biggest asshole in the place. Not only because EK was utterly out of control, but also due to the fact that  I was feeding him treats from my pocket like a puppy in training.  I could feel those Lincoln Park judgy eyes burning into the back of my neck. To make things worse, I had to slap myself after thinking:

Look at all these moms with their kids. Everyone in Patagonia jackets and Uggs. Harumph. Yuppies.  Wait [I look at my jacket and shoes and then Ellis]. I am the worst person on the face of the planet.

But not after we waited in a long line to buy a fleece.I am going to Hell.

4. It took me two hours to figure out how to log-in to my blog. I am not sure if that should be included in this list, but I am going to do it anyway.

5. Apparently I let Mr. Swirley walk out of the house wearing one of my sweaters. I mean, that is f’ing hilarious, but I am still a craptastic friend. It was a really tight one too.

Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to Never-Never Win Land.

Gallery

This morning I woke up and asked Ellis how he felt. He said “sick” and then asked if we could stretch together. I asked him again after we went downstairs and he replied indignantly: “I already told you mama. I … Continue reading

It smelled like Nick Nolte and Gary Busey were doing squats in there.

As you all know (or maybe you don’t), I still claim that Mr. Swirley looks A LOT like Chuck Norris during beard season. But today, someone likened him to Scorpio from The Simpsons and dare I say, she is SPOT ON!!

Don’t deny the awesomeness that is Mr. Swirley in the wintertime. You are welcome. Again.

Also, if you ask to be my friend, I will likely terrorize your children.

And lastly I am unable to speak or write without making a complete ass out of myself.

You snooze, you don’t win

I like to think of myself as an independent lady. But when Mr. Swirley is gone, I quickly realize how crucial he is to my actual day-to-day survival. Like my love for a good hot dog, I tend to hide my EXTREME laziness for fear that he will just up and leave me – or at least out me to my friends.

When Mr. Swirley is away I …
– shower even less. Is that possible? Yes, yes it is.
– do not eat dinner. Really any meal. I subsist solely off of cereal, string cheese, coffee, wine and maybe some water to wash down my crazy pills.
– forget to feed the cats. Repeatedly. Same goes for the litter box.
– let Ellis watch TV while I upload one more work thing to the website. And check my email.And, ooh, look what 6pm.com has on sale…
– conveniently “forget” it’s garbage day. I can still claim this is a new phenomenon for me…actually having to haul trash outside.
– will likely wear the same shirt two days in a row and possibly sleep in my bra (last night? cough cough)
– will NOT drink day old Serbian coffee. I tried and I can’t handle it.
– will remember my charger is in the bedroom and instead of moving it to my desk, spend the remainder of the day working from bed.
– consider starting various house projects and instead eat cookies (not baked by me, clearly).
– will NOT clean for house guests that are scheduled to arrive in 12 minutes.

Basically I regress to the maturity level of Ellis which isn’t very helpful to anyone. Come back Mr. Swirley – before I spend your per diem on more sparkly Christmas crap and bathmats.

p.s. Yesterday Ellis asked me if the dry spot on my ankle is a nipple. You are missing some good times here.