Awkward TV: Sometimes it’s Fun to Cringe

I’m definitely growing weirder as I age. Like a lot weirder. A few weeks ago a nurse asked, “how are you doing?”, to whit I responded, “I’m overbearing.” Yikes.

Luckily people seem to like weirdos (at least on television), which gives me a sliver of hope.

1. Mortified Nation. My childhood diary consisted of some snarky girl comments, the chronicling of a string of unrequited crushes and the story of that one time I got caught stealing my neighbors flowers.

Read more at ChicagoNow.

Maybe you’ll spark to this! (part III)

I attempted to pen a “where are they now?” post on actors from the films Willow and Return to Oz, but I am simply not passionate about those flicks. I can quote them, and joke about severed heads and hot Val Kilmer, but I just don’t have it in me to dedicate hours (eek) of free time doing frivolous research on random cast members. Instead, let’s try to delve a little deeper into the activities of the cast of Overboard – there are certainly more characters that deserve recognition and apparently I am more of a freak than I originally thought. But not as much as this guy; even for me, this dude is Crazytown.

If you don’t want to watch it (which is probably a good idea), this is what goes down: He spends three minutes summarizing Overboard and attempts to draw an analogy between the film’s overall message and his motivational presentation on “removing one’s blinders”. I am not going to lie when I say I incorporated a a number of Goonies and Overboard quotes into my final few college essays, but this might be taking it too far. Or at least be a little more freaking enthusiastic when you are talking about the greatest love story every told.

I always misspell definitely as defiantly.

Overboard Part III.

1. Katherine Helmond aka Edith Mintz. I initially avoided the “Mona discussion” because in my opinion she is a pretty big star. Perhaps I shouldn’t assume that everyone has followed her career as closely as say, Tony Danza’s, but she is a real A-listers far as I am concerned.

Katherine played Goldie’s mom and matriarch of the fancy family.  She spent her days patting her turkey wattle and tell Goldie that she shouldn’t have baby “because then you won’t be the baby anymore.”

If this dress ever goes up for auction (the fool who parts with it!) I am buying it.

My goal is to be as good a mom as Edith so Ellis can grow up to be an unappreciative, spoiled jerk who wears high cut bathing suits and a 20 karat diamond ring. You have to have aspirations! So what did Katherine go on to do after Overboard?

First off, she continued to work on her turkey wattle. Naw, the above still is from Soap (well before her role in Overboard). I have to say she is a baller. Benson, Who’s the Boss? (you have to live under a rock to not know this), Coach (hey yo!), Everybody Loves Raymond and the ever popular Harry’s Law. The woman has been acting for over 40 years and received nominations for seven Emmys and four Golden Globes. The most I have achieved so far in life is a nice muffin-top. Plus she is still foxy.

The sauciest grandma around.

2. Roddy McDowell aka Andrew.

“$1.99 fish bait”

Again, I thought his career was so over-publicized that I didn’t need to cover it in my little research project. Plus he was the producer of this fine film. I mean, how can you not know who he is?  Anyway, Roddy McDowell is what we like to call a “career badass”. According to the weirdo motivational speaker, he was the heart (and money) behind Overboard. While I might not go that far, I do think his role as Andrew the butler was seminal in Joanna Stayton gaining some real insight into what a spoiled b she really was and teaching us about the repercussions of serving gelatinous muck (bad caviar) to fancy people.

McDowell had already established his cinematic street cred well before butlering Overboard . He started out as a child actor in Flicka, Lassie Come Home and How Green was my Valley?. I have never seen these films but just look at him – the dude is no joke. Over the span of his career, he starred in plays on and off Broadway as well as in over 150 movies, television stories, developed an extensive collection of movies and Hollywood memorabilia, and published five acclaimed books of his own photography.What? I didn’t even shower today. And a little bit of trivia for you – in December of 1998 The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) honored him for his acting career and critically acclaimed photography by naming its photo archive after him.The collection, which includes several million negatives and stills, will be known as the Roddy McDowall Photograph Archive at the Margaret Herrick Library. Road trip!!

Unfortunately for us all, McDowall passed away from cancer on October 3, 1998, but he left us with this quote to live by:“I absolutely adore movies. Even bad ones. I don’t like pretentious ones, but a good bad movie, you must admit, is great. “ I am not saying he was referencing Overboard but…

3. Henry Alan Miller aka Dr. Norman Korman aka Harvey Miller aka Harvey Skolnik. Doesn’t everyone have 12 names?

The writers were simply BRILLIANT when it came to character names. Rose Budd? Normal Korman? Ingenious. I didn’t initially want to write about Normypoo because I am eternally resentful of his treatment of Goldie following her rescue from “Elk Snout”; You can’t normalize an entitled lifestyle when you have eaten bugs, dammit!

In reality, Hank was actually a pretty amazing guy. Not only was he BFFs with Penny Marshall and Albert Brooks, but he pretty much dominated the entertainment biz. He was the head writer for the Odd CoupleCosell, Bobby Riggs, Billy Jean King, Paul Williams, and Alan Ludden into Hollywood. After working with Goldie on Private Benjamin (for which he received an Oscar nomination for best writing), I am certain it was clear she was the only choice for the ever complicated role of Joanna Stayton. Post-Overboard, he had cameos in Big, License to Drive, Beaches and Awakenings. He even got a shout in credits for War of the Roses and continued to be a true Hollywood star until his passing in January 1999. According to his former assistant (via IMDB):
“Harvey was always the life of every party and set. He was a unique talent and irrepressible spirit. This world is now a far less interesting place without him. He will be sorely missed.” Yet another reason why I am jealous of the Proffitt brothers – they got to kick it with a Hollywood OG.

4. Mona Lyden aka Gertie aka Mona Lyden Moore.

That Gertie, she had a heart of gold. She let Dean steal Billy away anytime he pleased and was an all around stand-up gal looking out for her man and his buddies.

Well my friends, she still is the real thing.After her fun in Hollywood which included minor roles in Hooperman (?), Beaches and Anything but Love she decided to help people find their flair. For my California-based friends and family, meet Ms. Mona Moore – founder of Personal Packaging, Inc.

Yep, it’s her. She provides color and body proportion analyses, style and wardrobe design, personal shopping and business and social etiquette. Where was she when Dean was pounding and her and Billy’s window at all hours of the night? Social etiquette my ass! No, she is legit. According to her website:
Mona Lyden Moore is a Past-President of the Association of Image Consultants International,  Southern California Chapter, a worldwide non-profit professional association specializing in visual appearance, etiquette and verbal and non-verbal communiation.[sic]

If you call her, I will totally call Greg Proffitt.

5. Ray Combs aka “Cop at Hospital”.

Oh Ray, RIP. Our favorite host of Family Feud who took his own life was a real ray of light (no pun intended. Well, maybe a little) in this flick. His limited role added a bit of levity to an intense and dramatic movie. I mean. he bought his wife a pair of panties at a garage sale. I would like to think that if his character was granted a name it would be Officer Horace Oregano. I am not sure why, but I think it’s on point.

I feel secure in my statement that Overboard was the catalyst for Family Feud producers Mark Goodson and Howard Felsher  to reach out to Ray and offer him a seven year contract to be Mr. Party Central for families across the country. According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, the show enjoyed major success, however, ratings dipped in 1993 and it was dropped to syndication. Eventually Combs was replaced with the original host, Richard Dawson and everything went downhill from there.

The taping of his final episode aired in first-run syndication on May 27, 1994. During the “Fast Money” bonus round, the five answers given by the second contestant each netted zero points. Ray joked, “You know, I’ve done this show for six years and this [is] the first time I had a person that actually got no points and I think it’s a damn fine way to go out. Thought I was a loser until you walked up here. You made me look like a man.” Then, instead of mingling with the two competing families at the end of the show, Combs walked off the set immediately after his sign-off, got in his car and drove away.

 

Yikes. Aside from the Feud, Ray revved up the WWF crowd by bad mouthing the wrestlers and causing some major brawls. Dude lived on the edge. His story gets pretty sad after this, so let’s just remember our favorite Elk Cove policeman, Horace Oregano, and his contribution to what can only be described as cinematic magic.

Siskel and Ebert’s review. Siskel is obviously and idiot. Seriously, he should have been fired after this review.

OK. I think that is it. Recently I visited my OB and she asked if I “felt my family is complete” with one child. I told her “yes”, we are good to go. However, I could not say the same when it came to researching the cast of Overboard; it’s been haunting me at night (when I am not stressing out about no one showing at our neighborhood clean-up or in a crib with a toddler). Finally, I can rest.

Ellis has a long road ahead of him – 16.5 years before he can get out of this insane household.

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Credit Approved!

Would you open a new credit card account just so you could design the card?

I almost did. Then I realized that would be a little much, even for me.

O.

M.

G.

Guys! Last night we totally went to the 10 PM showing of the Hunger Games and loved it…if only because Tommy D came to Chicago for the sole purpose of hanging out with EK for FREE.Had we hired a babysitter, I would have initiated my mental ticker  to track the zillions of dollars spent on babysitting while we were drinking an overpriced Miller Light and watching a teen movie. And just so you know, we weren’t the oldest people in line and I sported a Katniss braid.

Tommy D volunteered to take Ellis to the zoo this AM and I did what any responsible parent would do sans kid – sleep.

Adorbs.

In case you decide to visit in the near future, know that Ellis has a few favorite songs and if you diverge from the pre-approved list, you are on your own.

 

Songs OK’d by the boss:

Baa Baa Black Sheep – lyrics to remember: 1 for my dada, 1 for Willie, 1 for Homie (our cats).
Wheels on the Bus – People on the bus go up and down – OVER AND OVER
ABC’s – ABABABABA

And we also enjoy counting. It often goes a little something like this:
1, 2, 3, 8, 5, PILLOW!

Tomorrow I can buy IL lottery tickets online! Saweet. Way to lead the nation IL – I know you are ALWAYS looking out for our best interests.

Touche interwebs, touche.

Over the past 24 hours, I have spent more time than I would like to admit searching for a precious video montage that aired during the 2012 Academy Awards*. Apparently, Ms. (Mrs.?) Reese Witherspoon stated that Overboard is her favorite movie and that it “speaks to her soul”. I know!  I too can’t believe that this video is unavailable (it’s the first thing I would post online if I were any serious media outlet). After a little research, I found out that Elle Woods has been quoted as saying, “ I love Overboard. it’s like my favorite movie of all time.” So there you go all you naysayers, an Academy Award winner finally speaks the truth about the pure genius that is Tofutti.  Although I am not a proponent of an “Overboard” remake, should it ever be produced, I stand 100% behind Witherspoon stepping in as Annie Goulahie in all of her oversized dress, strawberry birthmark, navy loving glory.


My aunt’s pantry reminded me of one of my favorite scenes in the movie and yes, you should be ashamed of yourself if you don’t understand the reference. Seriously, just give up now. And just an FYI, Ellis was likely attempting to mame himself during the filming of this video – hence Mr. Swirley’s stern tone.

Today I told a man purchasing over $150 of bottled water that there exist “these crazy things called faucets.” It’s  like I am asking to get punched in the face. During the same shopping trip I bought frozen veggies for .43/bag. Amazeaballs.

Yesterday EK had a play date that turned into an “I’d rather die than share that toy I am not playing with”date – so that was awesome. Twenty minutes after Lilly arrived, Ellis was sent to bed and there he stayed for over two hours. I am hoping that his naughty behavior was due to him not sleeping well the previous night (I may or may not have climbed into his crib with him) – but I honestly have no idea. 

In other Ellis news, I diagnosed the child with a dust allergy last week. He has been coughing during the night for the last, I don’t know, forever. Since he is sick all of the time, I attributed his dry cough to post-nasal drip or whatever trendy disease is floating around preschool. However, guilt got the best of me and I spent a good chunk of last Monday cleaning his tiny room. My cleaning rampage included pulling his crib and arm chair into the middle of the room and dusting every possible nook and cranny. This was followed up by a thorough vacuuming and mopping  session and pillow replacement (some anti-allergy pillowmajig) and…voila! The cough is gone. Don’t I feel like a great mom for identifying the problem? Nope. I feel like a terrible mom for allowing my child to live in a pigpen. I also bought an air purifier for the proper level of overkill. Well, at the least the coughing stopped and now I know to dust in between each of the little slats in his crib. Poor kid.

* High-five to  Ms. Kaiksow for the late night (9?) call letting me know what I was missing.

Cats and dogs living together (in Tillamook Co., OR)

Two posts in one day. I know – out of control. But people need to be alerted to the coming tragedy. The classic 1987 comedy, Overboard (possibly the best film ever) is being remade. WHAT! No, Goldie Hawn isn’t coming back to play the loveable Annie (Goulahie) Profit with a strawberry-like birthmark on her upper left cheek.

Instead, foolish studio execs are considering Jenny from the block to portray fair Annie. Will Jenny swallow a bug in the back of a pick-up with the same panache? Can we really believe that she came up with the stellar idea of the Elk Cove Wonders of the World mini-golf course? And, will she yell “Arturo” with the same passion as she swims into the arms of the love of her life? No, no and NO!

Don’t believe this trash? Read it with your own eyeballs:

http://www.slashfilm.com/2010/03/19/jennifer-lopez-to-star-in-overboard-remake/

To calm yourself, watch this clip of Goldie at her finest (warning: some profanity):

Next thing you know they will be cashing in on remakes of “Big Man on Campus” and “He Said She Said”. Oh Roy. And who is going to play Gertie?