Ew gross.

That is what everyone is going to think when they see Ellis from now until May.The poor little guy is just coughing in his sleep and as a result I am lamenting the fact that no one will volunteer to hold him for the next 12 years because he is a huge, walking germ. Oh well. He is my baby and I have to love him.

Point of clarification on my last entry. We in no way can afford a nearly $300 particle board storage cube thing. I don’t know if I was high off the of freedom of shopping sans family (“I’ll take that and that and that” while wildly pointing) or panicking because I realized my phone clock was 15 minutes off and Ellis was about to be the last kid at daycare, but the moment I got home I realized what a terrible idea these cubes were. Oh, I still made Mr. Swirley assemble three of the six – returning them in flat, sealed boxes would be too obvious a case of buyer’s remorse. Plus I was still pretending I could buy whatever I wanted. Once I trade in my avocado and God knows what else-covered receipt for a credit to my MasterCard it will be like I made money! Really Mr. Swirley should be thanking me for this entire time-wasting effort.

In other savings news, we collected all the scrap metal from this little gutter project and cashed it in for a whopping $50.00 ($25.00 of which went to the guy who loaded it into his truck and took it to the scrap yard). And I reviewed my Dominick’s grocery receipt and found that they didn’t give me all of my discounts and got my $6.00 back. Boo-ya! I refuse to leave that place without seeing a 30% savings on my receipt (note the spelling Ms. Davis – you second grade teacher, you). I know they could just lower all of the prices instead of  making me hunt around the store for card prices and “personalized deals”, but they know me too well. If it’s not on sale I am not getting a deal. What is wrong with me?

It’s 3:30 AM my neighbors in the unit directly and two units above are awake. I guess I should ask what is wrong with all of us?


Be forewarned, this is a very domesticky. And yes, domesticky is a word.

I am sitting here eating Cocoa Krispies. It is my most favorite cereal and it only cost me $1.88 for a box. It will likely be gone by tomorrow. Additional mother’s day gifts given to myself include: two dresses, a mani/pedi, a purse and lip gloss. Ellis doesn’t need a college fund and I need to impress my coworkers (Homer T. Cat and Willis) with a new wardrobe and shiny lips.

I just returned from an epic shopping trip (Costco and Dominick’s). Mr. Swirley is down to celery tops and apple stems for lunch so I figured I should pick some goodies up on my day off because I am a nice wife. And because I want sugar cereal. Indeed coupons were involved. Before we left I searched high and low for my Costco savings booklet and a $1.50 off coupon for Honey Bunches of Oats. Priced at $1.88 this week that would be a savings of one zillion percent! Unfortunately I couldn’t find either (it is clearly still bugging me).

First stop, Costco.I obviously have a love/hate type of relationship with that place. I love me some deals, but I hate slow people, people with kids running amuck and most importantly people who stop in the middle of the aisle to wait for samples. Jesus people, if the place is a zoo do you really need to wait for your tiny slice of microwave pizza? If it was a cup of Cocoa Krispies I would understand, but pizza? Game on. I suited up with Ellis in the baby backpack and tried to get a coupon book. No dice. Thus I was relegated to writing down the discounts from the desk book and walking around while trying to read my own writing.  The lady at the photo counter refused to give me the 9 cents/print deal (that is a savings of 6 cents!) because I didn’t have my book. So I just stood there and looked at her while EK pulled my hair. After a minute she pulled out a spare booklet and warned me that next time she wouldn’t be so helpful. Gold star, lady. Then we zoomed up and down the aisles and I almost hit a few people just because they made me so angry. Once we arrived at the cereal aisle I hit a new low. I whipped out my phone and calculated the per ounce cost of cereal at Dominick’s to see who had the better deal: Dominick’s by 2 cents. Booya, bitches. Ellis was obviously excited by this find and pulled my hair even more aggressively than I though was possible. The calculations and hair pulling went on for a few other household products and then we were out of there. But not before I was suckered into buying some fancy lipgloss for $16.00 (four tubes. Come on, that is a g-d steal.) Basically I spent all that time calculating savings and clipping coupons and I blow the pennies I saved on some lipgloss. So I am not really saving money, just shifting it. Come to think of it, if I avoided Costco all together, we likely would be better off.

Next stop Dominick’s. I put Ellis in one of those little car carts in the hopes that he would enjoy it. Or at least remain quiet and not contract some disgusting disease from the filthy thing. I have money to save here people; his health comes secondary to 50 cents off four Dannon Greek yogurts. Unfortunately my plan was thwarted by his royal whineyness and EK ended up in the front seat while I shoved a banana in his mouth. Yes, we stole a banana because I obviously couldn’t weigh it after he ate it. Sue me. Had we not stolen the banana, I wouldn’t have spent anything at the store so they are still in the black when it comes to my pocketbook. Up and down the aisles we went…without my list. Awesome and incredibly efficient. Or not. Finally we check out and I hand over my coupons. I get my receipt and it shows only 34% saved. It’s a dark day when we get a number under 40%. Dejected we drive home, unload the car (no thanks to the baby), pop Ellis in his crib and review this receipt. Guess what! Those sons of bs didnt give me my “special discounts”. Yea, I know, I shouldn’t take such offense to what is clearly a computer glitch. But you know I immediately called them up and told them I am coming back in to get my cash back. That $6.00 or whatever it is (plus my amended percentage saved) will totally be applied towards something 3x the amount of the savings because I have no other option than to spend money saved.

Mr. Swirley likes to tell me I am making money for our family when I shop. I would like agree, but my dazzling pucker says something different.