Fact: The Fact: The human head weighs 12,000 lbs when resting on one’s tracheahuman head weighs 12,000 lbs when resting on one’s trachea

My husband is away on a work trip again. Don’t get any ideas, robbers, we have houseguests! Anyway, by night three, my kid usually weasels his way into my bedroom to try to destroy me via co sleeping snuggle. Warm fuzzies, yeah yeah.

Without fail, this is what happens every GD time.

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I offer you this autographed hat signed by Salt, Spinderella, but not Pepa.

Oh snap! It’s a new month. That means five truths and a lie time!

1. Yesterday I attempted to make a pinterest-like Valentine for EK’s classmates and failed. Then I gave up on life and went to bed.

2. My elbows, knees and ankles won’t stop bleeding. I would provide photographic evidence but then you won’t be able to eat. For a week.

3. Even though the room underneath EK’s bedroom isn’t heated (don’t ask), his floor is super warm and cozy. It’s even more comfortable when I don’t have a pillow and use a barbie-sized blanket to “keep warm” from 1-4 AM (also don’t ask).

4. I have almost convinced myself to buy a new camera except for the fact that we need to paint our house, get a new roof, eat, you know – luxuries. Perhaps slamming the old camera against my palm in an effort to loosen granules of sand out of it wasn’t the best idea. Pish posh.

5. I f’ing love winter. It’s the best.

6. I have no loyalty when it comes to TinyURL vs. bitly. Does this make me a communist?

These all might be lies. I don’t know. I am going back to bed. That my friends, is the honest to god truth.

I love hospital parties! Where’s the bar?

It’s the beginning of yet another month and that means …nine truths and a lie.

1. After visiting Home Depot (x2), Menards, Walgreen’s, CVS, JoAnn Fabrics and Dominick’s, I have come up empty handed  in the crappy made-in-China bow department. What the shit, people? The guy at JoAnn’s told me they were sold out three weeks ago – that is like July! Ridiculous. Or perhaps it’s more ridiculous that I have been going to so many stores looking for stupid bows.

2. Mr. Swirley is gone again. This means the clown lights come on even earlier.

3. Ellis was so far beyond awesome last night that I considered liking being a parent during the 2s. Then today happened and I once again hate my life.

4. My dinner tonight consisted of eight stalks (is that what they are called) of asparagus and a beer.

5. Last week I called our contractor a crude name for a prostitute…in Czech. Then I threatened to fight him in the face. This is only the third time I have met him and I think it brought us closer. Except I am still slightly furious…if that is possible.

6. On Friday, a security system consultant man named Mel came by. After assessing the current state of our home and learning that we have house guests arriving on Thursday (in less than 48 hours), he left the house laughing. Like belly-shaking laughter.

7. I will not visit Taco Bell once this week.

8. Ellis has another homework assignment that will not be turned in on time (due tomorrow). Nothing to share at circle time. Again. An outcast at 2.

9. Our bedroom looks like a college freshman’s dorm room. Girl, obviously. We have standards.

10. Tommy D is taking Ellis from Xmas through Dec. 30. F jewelry or make-up – this is the best Christmas present ever.

This dog is real. Your baby is hypothetical and, I think, a mistake.

I have spent approximately 12 million dollars in the last seven days. What do I have to show for it? Pretty much nothing fun.

– Old, leaky house. See below.

– Hazelnut colored honeycomb shades (they aren’t called blinds, they are shades!). How many colors of white exist in the world of blinds? An f’in bazillion.
A sampling?  Linen, Hazelnut, Soapstone, Parchment, Shell, Putty, Snowflake, Blush and Stucco. They all look the same to me and, as I am too impatient to order a sample to ensure I like the color, I just winged it and ordered custom blinds sight unseen? Stupid, you ask? Undoubtedly. I did, however, get three “free” pillows from their partner company with my $60 in gift certificates so there.

– New TV. Again, how many TVs exist? I won’t even joke about the number because it’s insane. So I picked one out and ordered it from Amazon. Then I had it delivered to our old address because that is how I roll. Seems like it works fine. We are too cheap for cable and I don’t even know how to turn the lights off in our house so I am not going to get involved in fine tuning the HDMIHAGGSJKEG settings. It’s a TV, it plays that stupid show the Backyardigans and Nemo over and over and over again if I push one button. Done.

– An energy assessment. I found a rebate underwritten by DOE for up to 1750 if you have your house insulation upgraded. So I am doing it. Now it looks like we live in the ET house while the depressurize the the place (I just made that up). My head might also explode. Then they will give me an estimate for the cost of sealing and insulating the house and my head will explode again.

– Rugs. We now reside in a 100+ year old house that, according to the dude doing the work above, and my body that is constantly shivering, leaks a lot of heat. So we bought some rugs. But since we are poor, we went to this crazy Polish remnant place not too far from our house and scored two 12X10 rugs for a pretty good deal. Well, it would be a good deal if I didn’t buy everything listed above.

– Blinds repair. Apparently it costs a lot of money to restring blinds. And extra to have them taken down for you. This means that Mr. Swirley and I are going to attempt to take them down ourselves which will likely lead to broken blinds and more expenses.

– General stupid purchases like biodegradable leaf bags, Serbian coffee, new lampshades, locks, mail slots, food.

So if you are expecting a  Christmas gift from us, my present to you will be the end of my incessant complaining about our condo and the beginning of the same level or more aggravation with regard to our house. And maybe some burnt peanut brittle. Is burnt even a word? Whatever.

Do you know how long someone who is as sarcastic as I am would last in prison? Suuuuuuch a long time.

This morning, after cursing Mr. Swirley for finishing off the skim milk, I considered mixing water with whole milk so I could eat my crappy cereal. I went as far as filling up a glass with water and decided to scrap the idea and ingest 45 million calories for breakfast. Followed up by a diet coke. This, my friends, is how the next ten days will likely continue.

Our awesome ride started last Thursday with a late night hospital trip with Ho-Ho. Mr. Swirley and I were able to convince to her to go in with us by gifting not one but TWO tubes of lipstick and an economy size bottle of hair gel. We are still iffy as to the duration of her stay, but the nurse said the average patient stays 30 days to ensure the med cocktail is up to snuff. I received no less than FIVE calls yesterday from Ardie; it’s going to be a long month. Plus it’s $12.00 to park at RUSH’s parking lot every time I visit. Doesn’t that seem a little insane? Although Mr. Swirley asked  me while I was between contractions if it was ok to pay to park in the Swedish Covenant hospital lot while on our way to the delivery unit, so I am probably not one to ask about reasonable prices for parking since I am pretty much willing to pay zero.

Friday we packed up the house and drove to Madison for our 15 year high school reunion. I was actually pretty proud of the fact that KML and I only had to stop once to give the kids some reprieve from the drive…and we didn’t lose either one!  The reunion went well, though the morning started out poorly with the car packed up the keys nowhere to be found. I know, you are are super surprised. Family fun picnic, followed up by a happy hour and then a very welcome night of rest sans kid thanks to Tommy D. We headed back home early Sunday morning and spent the day running errands for Ho-Ho and avoiding cleaning. When I visited her later that night with an armful of new clothes, she demanded I return the capris because she is too embarrassed to wear them due to the spider veins on her ankles, but that, according to her, is not vanity trumping comfort. Meanwhile, she has no problem sporting a soaking wet poncho around everywhere to keep cool. She also informed me that my grandfather will happily pay $2000 for saline injections to collapse the veins although my grandpa hasn’t bought new pants since 2007.

Today EK woke up at 4:30 AM and Mr. Swirley left at 6 for a seven to ten day business trip. If you are looking for a time to visit Chicago and spend time in a cat hair-ridden condo, this is your lucky weekend. Please.


p.s. In case you were wondering, swim diapers DO NOT hold liquid. So don’t run out of diapers and try to use them because you will fail miserably.