So what you call insanity, we call solidarity!

May movie madness

And a little conversation where Ellis reveals he is a Republican and I once again prove just how terrible my Midwestern accent truly is (focus on my pronunciation of the words “both” and “pony” – Hell, it all sounds ridiculous.)

I’ve never been very good at letting things go. I can’t tell you how many times a fun tug of a war with a dog over a chew toy turned contentious. One of always gets mad.

Last weekend, after Ellis decided to quit it with all of this hand, foot and mouth stuff, we got down to business. Although one of us was covered in scabs, we ventured out into the world which began with a trip to Winnetka. Have you ever been? It’s amazing! You can leave your stroller outside and it’s still there when you emerge from whatever store. People don’t let their dogs poop in the park and there are no parking meters! Is this heaven? Almost. According to the ever accurate Wikipedia, Winnetka is “one of the most exclusive and wealthy suburbs in the nation.” They totally want us to move there.

Because I could no longer sit inside our house for fear I would hurl myself out a window, we also decided to: 
– Hit up the Chicago Kite Fest (underwritten by a relatively unknown group that goes by the acronym NATO)
– Engage in a a stare down
– Take EK’s first dip into lake Michigan
– Play with a new outside toys – a gift from his amazing and generous mom.
– and, venture to the zoo to look at ducks and water fountains. What? Summer is officially here.

EK and Uncle Jeff at Kite Fest. Unfortunately, we couldn’t get our kite to fly. Where was dad? At an all day Frisbee tournament lamenting the aging process and making it all the way to the finals.

Game on, buddy – 30 second stare down.
First visit to Lake Michigan…Jeff and Olive lead the way.
OH MY GOD THIS WATER TABLE IS AMAZING! Papi may think it’s too big and misses his patio table…but mom doesn’t care. I think she is the best even if yesterday she held up traffic because she was too busy poking at her belly rolls.
We (and by we I mean Ellis) also spent a little time thinking about our bad decisions, picking thumbs and looking pretty pathetic. Moments before this photo was taken he was standing on a bench and ignoring his mom’s “tushy or knees” request. Next stop, no fun chair.
Like his uncle John, EK enjoys peeling his thumb like a banana.

Do you know what keywords keep bringing people to this blog”
“labyrinth trash lady”. I am actually pretty thrilled about this little fact. Not because I have anything interesting for them to read, but that people are seeking out pictures of our favorite Muppet. Other common keywords include:
– neck wattle
– goldie hawn, jamie wild, toffuti overboard. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (all separate searches)
– i recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale

Very strange people wandering around the Interwebs.

When I ask Ellis if he thinks I am fat, he responds, “yes.” There is no mistaking that response – he enunciates as if his life depends on it. When I ask him if I thinks I am pretty, I get silence.

Ho-Ho is sleeping over tomorrow night. I am sure I will have some nice updates. Last time she stayed overnight, she put her shoe-clad feet on my wall to push herself up onto our bed. I have a nice little scuff mark to remind me of this little incident and how I need to purchase espadrilles for her from now on. She also enjoys spraying my perfume all over the bathroom each time she goes in – which is 900 times/day. What else? Oh, Ellis will enjoy the TV blaring from midnight-6 AM in the room adjacent to his as that is the only way she can sleep, but then she tells me she can’t sleep. It’s all so confusing.

Then we have a psych appointment where we will experience a lot of circular logic and I will likely slam my face against a door or something. Recently she has reincarnated one of her old “stalkers” that Mr. Swirley and I laid to rest a few years ago with a fake obituary. Modern medicine! Given this fun twist with regards to her psyche,  “we” also might change her drugs which will likely cause major chaos in the short-term and general disappointment in the long. Wah wah. Upside is the G is in town this weekend for my cousin’s graduation and  family shenanigans which include yelling at the top of our lungs so he can hear us, him mocking our parenting style and probably some sort of missing tooth incident. I can’t wait.

I like to see life with its teeth out.

For the third week in a row my house is once again full of sickness. I don’t want to dwell on it; this is just a general statement of fact. No, actually I am dwelling on it. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Mr. Swirley and I feel like cooked turkeys and Ellis is on his second round of antibiotics – by the end of this whole shebang he will have been on medicine for three straight weeks. To a veteran mom this probably seems as normal as breathing, but I am still easing into this whole “kid sick all the time but happy enough to play while you are sick and want to die” thing. It’s bogus man, bogus.

Last weekend we headed out to Mrs. D’s digs for some dinner, time in the sun and to celebrate the bunny. Tommy D came down from Madison with EK’s sweet new ride. We found it on craigslist and apparently the former owner could be heard wailing from her room, “No mama, no! Don’t sell my car.” Oh how I cannot wait for that day to come to the Swirley household. I hope that sweet little girl can take solace in the fact that her tiny auto went to a good home.

After a thorough inspection, Ellis graciously accepted the gift.
What? No driving gloves. Cheap bastards.

You will be happy to know that Tommy and Ho-Ho got on well and I think she has accepted the fact that although they are divorced, he is going to be a fixture at Ho-Ho holiday celebrations. I often remind her, “You had me. Now deal with the consequences. I have to see both of you regularly. Seems only fair you have to deal with each other.” Nice, I know.

On Saturday Mrs. D, Ho-Ho, Car and I set out to Old Navy to pick up some staples for mom. While we were out hunting for cotton goodies, I tasked the men with a photo shoot of my little man to document his first Easter. Here are a few of my favorites. I obviously love every photo they took but I would shut down the Interwebs if I posted them.

Shopping was as exciting as it sounds. We went round and round with clothes for Ho-Ho. She tends to like to show off “the ladies”, so Mrs. D and I are on a never ending quest to find shirts that are appropriate while not being too stuffy. That bohemian Ho-Ho…and she wonders why she gets men knocking at her door asking to see her “brassieres”.  Most were inappropriate but we did find a few items that she liked. The real excitement arrived on Easter morning like a bright sparkling chocolate egg full of that gross peanut candy some people hand out on Halloween.

Imagine a nice sunny Sunday morning. You are laying in bed with your unusually lazy baby and a large cat to boot. Your teenage cousin (who rarely is up before you) is eagerly anticipating an Easter egg hunt with said baby and your aunt has a nice holiday breakfast planned. Then you find out your mom lost something major and expensive. Yep. Unfortunately for us, we swapped out our Easter egg hunt with a Easter tooth hunt.

Somehow, between 9 PM Saturday night and 5 AM Sunday morning, Ho-Ho lost her bridge/flipper thing that sports her incisor.  Yes, that $500.00 piece of dental gold that we have had for less than three months disappeared. And let me tell you, searching for a glorified retainer on Easter morning is not that exciting. The reward isn’t little neon colored plastic eggs filled with sugary goodness. No, it’s a gross retainer that may or may not show up. And as you frantically search for this tiny piece of translucent plastic, you keep thinking about how much it will cost to replace it and what if she loses the next one and the next one. You can see this can have a real snowball effect on your psyche. Breathe. At one point I stood in the hallway and shook my fists at the sky. I even set Ellis loose in each room she had occupied during the previous 12 hours in the hopes that his weird baby super powers could find that sucker since he seems to find everything else that he shouldn’t. Mr. D took on the nasty task of sifting through the post-holiday dinner trash while we repeatedly dumped out and searched Ho-Ho’s bags, unmade beds, dismantled couches., etc. For no less than four hours we searched that house from top to bottom, but alas, no luck. So now Ho-Ho is back to looking like a pirate (belt and all) and we are praying to God to return her flipper sometime in the next week or we have to shell out another $500 and constantly worry about it disappearing again.

That was the longest paragraph ever. 

Good news is that after a bunch of faxing and research, I was able to get her March ER bill zero’d out. So, if you subtract the new retainer thing, we are still up $600. It’s like I am making money here, people. 

Ellis and I also recently checked out the new Little Beans cafe in Bucktown. Although I think it overpriced, EK enjoyed his time with buddies Tate and Grace and he didn’t make either baby cry. I deem that a successful meeting of the tiny minds.

I am now going to go cough a lung out.