No, he’s not a sly fox. He’s at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.

Poor decision making over the past 24 hours reaffirms that I am pretty much the biggest jerk in the history of jerks. And yes, I will elaborate to further embarrass myself.

1. Yesterday EK and I headed out to Oak Park to do Ardie Ho-Ho’s laundry. This is approximately a 12 hour affair which eventually leads to Ellis running wild around the place while I consume at least 12 diet cokes. I actually entrusted him with my mom (WHA????) and left him in her 500000000 degree apartment while I repeatedly ran up and down four flights of stairs to check on her laundry. I ended up hanging out with some caregivers and learned that while I am busy bemoaning how I have to drive out to my mom’s house on my days off (TWO/week!) to do her laundry and buy diet cokes willy nilly, these women are juggling three kids, two jobs with no help at home. On the west side of Chicago. One has a son in CPS’ special education system which is essentially nothing better than a holding pen. After she started crying I realized I needed to shut the Hell up. Then I went upstairs and found Ellis nearly naked wearing poop-sprayed pants (story for another time) on his head.

2. While we were at Oak Park Arms, we handed out Valentines to everyone in the lunchroom along with a Hershey’s Kiss. A normal parent would oversee such a process. I, however, absent-mindedly followed my kid around while he literally threw hard candy at sweet little old women so desperate to kiss him that they were willing to endure the abuse.

3. Today I dragged him to Patagonia for their annual mega-sale and can say with 99% confidence that I was the biggest asshole in the place. Not only because EK was utterly out of control, but also due to the fact that  I was feeding him treats from my pocket like a puppy in training.  I could feel those Lincoln Park judgy eyes burning into the back of my neck. To make things worse, I had to slap myself after thinking:

Look at all these moms with their kids. Everyone in Patagonia jackets and Uggs. Harumph. Yuppies.  Wait [I look at my jacket and shoes and then Ellis]. I am the worst person on the face of the planet.

But not after we waited in a long line to buy a fleece.I am going to Hell.

4. It took me two hours to figure out how to log-in to my blog. I am not sure if that should be included in this list, but I am going to do it anyway.

5. Apparently I let Mr. Swirley walk out of the house wearing one of my sweaters. I mean, that is f’ing hilarious, but I am still a craptastic friend. It was a really tight one too.

Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to Never-Never Win Land.

Gallery

This morning I woke up and asked Ellis how he felt. He said “sick” and then asked if we could stretch together. I asked him again after we went downstairs and he replied indignantly: “I already told you mama. I … Continue reading

Did you give my son baby brass knuckles?

It’s that time of year, my friends: Ellis’ annual evaluation. I know what you are thinking, “Holy Sh!t, you must be stressed out!” And yes, yes I am. I vacillate between excitement and pure fear anytime I am tested and/or evaluated. This apparently also applies to anything my kid does…so that is really healthy. My fight or flight response was this same this time last year, when Mr. Swirley and I shoved our behinds in toddler sized chairs and faced the American Idolesque panel of (amazing) teachers. The sheer terror! Well, not really but somehow I was still nervous. Today we received the individualized evaluations of our tiny terrorists and I am proud to announce my kid is the class creeper. That right! He may not impress the ladies with this potty training skills, but he can sexually harass the crap out them.

  •  Ellis is very affectionate with both his teachers and classmates
  • Ellis has a great relationship with both his teachers and classmates and is very affectionate towards them.
  • [H]e is easily comforted with hugs and kisses from his teachers
  • Ellis is very affectionate with his friends and is always there to give him an enthusiastic hug, though at times he does need reminders to use gentle touches when he gets too excited.
  • Ellis also loves to sing and can often be found just breaking out into song while working on other activities or when on a walk

I suppose we already knew this was going to be an issue when a teacher told me that 20 month old EK clapped and rubbed his hands together while yelling “It’s showtime” while his friend Lu was getting her diaper changed. Yikes.

In other news, he is LOSING HIS MIND UPSTAIRS. I can hear books and anything else his tiny Hulk arms can lift flying against the wall and/or floor during his predictable nighttime rage. Evaluate that, ladies. I escaped his clutches (he favors the hug-headlock) as soon as he started to snore.

I also painted a piece of furniture with oil based primer and didn’t realize it’s incredibly difficult to remove said paint from one’s hands until after I essentially took a bath in it. I just scream “crafty”.

Darth Vader owns the Dallas Cowboys.

DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS???? I mean, of course you did. How could you not unless you live under a water barrel? It’s pretty much the HUGEST THING TO HAPPEN in 2012. Yes my friends, our favorite child actor from Overboard, Jamie Wild, is now engaged.

Jamie is pictured in the bottom left…in Goldie’s loving embrace.

I know! How pumped were you to find out? How did I learn of this amazing update? Facebook. He still hasn’t defriended me. I am guessing he will go ahead and do that after this post, but it’s totally worth it because I can:

1) Brag about knowing this fab piece of information and, if I have the balls…

2) Suggest this sweet little spring frock for the bridesmaids.

I will take the chicken entree and I fully expect to be seated next to Goldie.

You snooze, you don’t win

I like to think of myself as an independent lady. But when Mr. Swirley is gone, I quickly realize how crucial he is to my actual day-to-day survival. Like my love for a good hot dog, I tend to hide my EXTREME laziness for fear that he will just up and leave me – or at least out me to my friends.

When Mr. Swirley is away I …
– shower even less. Is that possible? Yes, yes it is.
– do not eat dinner. Really any meal. I subsist solely off of cereal, string cheese, coffee, wine and maybe some water to wash down my crazy pills.
– forget to feed the cats. Repeatedly. Same goes for the litter box.
– let Ellis watch TV while I upload one more work thing to the website. And check my email.And, ooh, look what 6pm.com has on sale…
– conveniently “forget” it’s garbage day. I can still claim this is a new phenomenon for me…actually having to haul trash outside.
– will likely wear the same shirt two days in a row and possibly sleep in my bra (last night? cough cough)
– will NOT drink day old Serbian coffee. I tried and I can’t handle it.
– will remember my charger is in the bedroom and instead of moving it to my desk, spend the remainder of the day working from bed.
– consider starting various house projects and instead eat cookies (not baked by me, clearly).
– will NOT clean for house guests that are scheduled to arrive in 12 minutes.

Basically I regress to the maturity level of Ellis which isn’t very helpful to anyone. Come back Mr. Swirley – before I spend your per diem on more sparkly Christmas crap and bathmats.

p.s. Yesterday Ellis asked me if the dry spot on my ankle is a nipple. You are missing some good times here.

I love hospital parties! Where’s the bar?

It’s the beginning of yet another month and that means …nine truths and a lie.

1. After visiting Home Depot (x2), Menards, Walgreen’s, CVS, JoAnn Fabrics and Dominick’s, I have come up empty handed  in the crappy made-in-China bow department. What the shit, people? The guy at JoAnn’s told me they were sold out three weeks ago – that is like July! Ridiculous. Or perhaps it’s more ridiculous that I have been going to so many stores looking for stupid bows.

2. Mr. Swirley is gone again. This means the clown lights come on even earlier.

3. Ellis was so far beyond awesome last night that I considered liking being a parent during the 2s. Then today happened and I once again hate my life.

4. My dinner tonight consisted of eight stalks (is that what they are called) of asparagus and a beer.

5. Last week I called our contractor a crude name for a prostitute…in Czech. Then I threatened to fight him in the face. This is only the third time I have met him and I think it brought us closer. Except I am still slightly furious…if that is possible.

6. On Friday, a security system consultant man named Mel came by. After assessing the current state of our home and learning that we have house guests arriving on Thursday (in less than 48 hours), he left the house laughing. Like belly-shaking laughter.

7. I will not visit Taco Bell once this week.

8. Ellis has another homework assignment that will not be turned in on time (due tomorrow). Nothing to share at circle time. Again. An outcast at 2.

9. Our bedroom looks like a college freshman’s dorm room. Girl, obviously. We have standards.

10. Tommy D is taking Ellis from Xmas through Dec. 30. F jewelry or make-up – this is the best Christmas present ever.

This dog is real. Your baby is hypothetical and, I think, a mistake.

I have spent approximately 12 million dollars in the last seven days. What do I have to show for it? Pretty much nothing fun.

– Old, leaky house. See below.

– Hazelnut colored honeycomb shades (they aren’t called blinds, they are shades!). How many colors of white exist in the world of blinds? An f’in bazillion.
A sampling?  Linen, Hazelnut, Soapstone, Parchment, Shell, Putty, Snowflake, Blush and Stucco. They all look the same to me and, as I am too impatient to order a sample to ensure I like the color, I just winged it and ordered custom blinds sight unseen? Stupid, you ask? Undoubtedly. I did, however, get three “free” pillows from their partner company with my $60 in gift certificates so there.

– New TV. Again, how many TVs exist? I won’t even joke about the number because it’s insane. So I picked one out and ordered it from Amazon. Then I had it delivered to our old address because that is how I roll. Seems like it works fine. We are too cheap for cable and I don’t even know how to turn the lights off in our house so I am not going to get involved in fine tuning the HDMIHAGGSJKEG settings. It’s a TV, it plays that stupid show the Backyardigans and Nemo over and over and over again if I push one button. Done.

– An energy assessment. I found a rebate underwritten by DOE for up to 1750 if you have your house insulation upgraded. So I am doing it. Now it looks like we live in the ET house while the depressurize the the place (I just made that up). My head might also explode. Then they will give me an estimate for the cost of sealing and insulating the house and my head will explode again.

– Rugs. We now reside in a 100+ year old house that, according to the dude doing the work above, and my body that is constantly shivering, leaks a lot of heat. So we bought some rugs. But since we are poor, we went to this crazy Polish remnant place not too far from our house and scored two 12X10 rugs for a pretty good deal. Well, it would be a good deal if I didn’t buy everything listed above.

– Blinds repair. Apparently it costs a lot of money to restring blinds. And extra to have them taken down for you. This means that Mr. Swirley and I are going to attempt to take them down ourselves which will likely lead to broken blinds and more expenses.

– General stupid purchases like biodegradable leaf bags, Serbian coffee, new lampshades, locks, mail slots, food.

So if you are expecting a  Christmas gift from us, my present to you will be the end of my incessant complaining about our condo and the beginning of the same level or more aggravation with regard to our house. And maybe some burnt peanut brittle. Is burnt even a word? Whatever.

I’m a good driver. Red means stop. Green means go. And yellow is the other one.

Well well well, I hate to say I told you so, but it looks like the rest of the Interwebs appreciates both Overboard and Labyrinth based on searches that landed those poor souls onto my blog page. A sampling? Don’t mind if I do –

– Jeffrey Wiseman (lots of these. Lots and Lots of these.)
– Jeffrey Wiseman Overboard
– Jeffrey Wiseman actor
– Carol Williard (aka Mrs. Rose Budd the intrepid news reporter)
– Turkey Wattle – this search is unintentional but brings people to a picture of Mona working on her gullet (is gullet a word? If not, I call it). You will also see this picture if you google “what happens when you take off neck rings” and search through God knows how many pages to find this piddly blog.)

– Jamie Wild (again, lots of these)
– Jamie Wild from Overboard
– Jarod Rushton Overboard
– Garbage lady from Laybrinth
– Rubbish lady from Laybrinth (clearly these users are NOT american but know a good USA flick when they see it).
YOU ARE WELCOME! See, don’t you feel good knowing that you have received a proper primer on the current status of all of the Overboard actors? I just might have saved your life by providing such a crucial public service.

Other random keyword activity includes:
– sunglasses that go over your glasses (surprisingly popular)
– adventurexxx (yikes, pervymagoos!) Nice thing about this search is it brings the porn seeker to an entry that includes me complaining about: traffic, the high cost of daycare, sick kids and a trip to see family. Talk about MEOW-worthy viewing.
– sametova revola
– Nebraska Jones Chicago

In other news I lost the keys to our new hours three times. Well, I lost them twice and then threw them away once. Since I can’t figure out how to lock the front door it doesn’t really matter if we have keys, but Mr. Swirley seems to think it is a problem that needs to be addressed. This does not mean we hide keys everywhere (my idea, clearly), but instead invest in a keypad entry. Fine, whatever. I still like those fake rocks that everyone knows house keys.

If I go to Home Depot one more time I am going to spray concentrated Green Clean in my eyeballs. Speaking of cleaning, I finally broke down and scheduled someone to come in and clean our condo because I am pretty sure my fingers will fall off if I clean one more toilet (long story but our house wasn’t cleaned when we signed and I couldn’t get anyone in to clean it before we moved in…so we cleaned and I have pretty much hated my life ever since.) Anyway, it took her seven hours. SEVEN! Can you believe CPS didn’t come take my kid away because we were clearly living in squalor. I mean, the place was empty and she spent an entire work day there cleaning; I can’t even spend an entire work day working! Good thing three dudes are moving in who probably could give an f about whether or not the floor area behind the dryer is clean but I am happy about it.

I also order a TV from Amazon based solely on reviews and four pictures – I didn’t even see it in action. I mean, it’s a TV…do I really care if I can see someone’s pores? Notsomuch. After ordering said TV (and having to reprocess the order 400 times because I am an idiot), I realized I accidentally had it sent to our old address. Since we were down to one set of keys (which were in my possession), I lightly suggested to Mr. Swirley that we meet up at his old train stop and stalk the UPS guy. The three of us drove around the neighborhood (side note: Mr. Swirley has become quite the backseat driver as of late…) searching for driver Billy and eventually ended up at the Kam family digs in our “old” Bosworth building. It’s basically impossible for us to actually leave. And yes, the TV eventually showed up.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will have a lot to report. Or a little, I don’t really know. My plan is to hand my kid off to his cousins upon arrival, leave him there Saturday and avoid picking him until as late as possible on Sunday. I guess that means I am thankful for family who will endure us (help us move/unpack/take our kid) and that I can endure family (namely Ho-Ho). I am also thankful for grass. It’s amazing how much our little patch of grass can instantly change my outlook. I am not thankful for the ceiling fans in every room of the new house – they just really piss me off. Or the challenges posed by repairing plaster walls. But, at least we have walls to repair. Taking everything into account, we are incredibly fortunate people with good friends and family. Still, no one really likes ceiling fans, do they?

Happy Turkey Day!

I am also thankful for the Interwebs and how I can “borrow” and share fun stuff like this,