over the past few days I…
1. Contracted some sort of bug immediately before I left for DC and wanted to die starting nine minutes into my first outbound flight through yesterday afternoon.
2. Somehow used 5GB of data on my phone since my plan rolled over 12 days ago, yet I have not had it on for the past month because the battery runs out of power one second after I turn it on. So that is pretty sweet.
3. Got a bloody nose and dripped it all over the beige carpet in my coworker’s new condo.
4. Continued to be a terrible house guest by stealing toothpaste and a literal handful of shampoo from my coworker’s bathroom.
a. I undressed while still holding said handful of shampoo.
5. Bitched and moaned about our work retreat being a waste of time and then ate a big old slice of humble pie served to me family style by the folks out at the Airlie Conference Center.
a. I thanked my boss (in front of my coworkers) for organizing the retreat and let him know that it wasn’t at all the waste of time I predicted it would be.
6. Packed a work cardigan but no shirt to go underneath it.
7. Slept in sweatpants dotted with dried nosebleed blood.
8. Got into an argument with a US Airways flight attendant at the Philadelphia airport on the way home
a. Apparently I am wrong to assume that a flight attendant dressed in a US Airways uniform standing at the desk next to the gate from which I just exited is there to help customers locate connecting gates. I am not paraphrasing when I write that she said “I am a flight attendant trying to work. Go look at the screen.” What she neglected to tell me is that the screen only shows flights going to cities “T’-“Z” so that was super helpful when I was trying to find my Chicago flight.
9. Dropped my jacket sleeve into the Philly airport toilet.
10.Unintentionally (?) left my jacked on the plane.
11. Was that creepy person staring at a baby on a lady’s lap for oh, I don’t know, an hour straight. I found out he was 10 months old and I can’t even remember Ellis being that little. That was five months ago – FIVE! Do I need to take Aricept to help me with my memory? Am I losing my mind? Does the guy sitting across from me reading the weird harlequin sci fi novel have awesome sunglasses on?
12. I am wearing loaned earphones the size of the moon
13. Shenanigans aside, I am still in an incredibly good mood.
If you answered true to all of the above questions you win today’s prize. It’s a choice between buying yourself something special for baby J’s birthday (courtesy of your bank account) or a flight home delayed 2.5 hours! Wait, evidently I have already claimed the latter offer.