No, he’s not a sly fox. He’s at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.

Poor decision making over the past 24 hours reaffirms that I am pretty much the biggest jerk in the history of jerks. And yes, I will elaborate to further embarrass myself.

1. Yesterday EK and I headed out to Oak Park to do Ardie Ho-Ho’s laundry. This is approximately a 12 hour affair which eventually leads to Ellis running wild around the place while I consume at least 12 diet cokes. I actually entrusted him with my mom (WHA????) and left him in her 500000000 degree apartment while I repeatedly ran up and down four flights of stairs to check on her laundry. I ended up hanging out with some caregivers and learned that while I am busy bemoaning how I have to drive out to my mom’s house on my days off (TWO/week!) to do her laundry and buy diet cokes willy nilly, these women are juggling three kids, two jobs with no help at home. On the west side of Chicago. One has a son in CPS’ special education system which is essentially nothing better than a holding pen. After she started crying I realized I needed to shut the Hell up. Then I went upstairs and found Ellis nearly naked wearing poop-sprayed pants (story for another time) on his head.

2. While we were at Oak Park Arms, we handed out Valentines to everyone in the lunchroom along with a Hershey’s Kiss. A normal parent would oversee such a process. I, however, absent-mindedly followed my kid around while he literally threw hard candy at sweet little old women so desperate to kiss him that they were willing to endure the abuse.

3. Today I dragged him to Patagonia for their annual mega-sale and can say with 99% confidence that I was the biggest asshole in the place. Not only because EK was utterly out of control, but also due to the fact that  I was feeding him treats from my pocket like a puppy in training.  I could feel those Lincoln Park judgy eyes burning into the back of my neck. To make things worse, I had to slap myself after thinking:

Look at all these moms with their kids. Everyone in Patagonia jackets and Uggs. Harumph. Yuppies.  Wait [I look at my jacket and shoes and then Ellis]. I am the worst person on the face of the planet.

But not after we waited in a long line to buy a fleece.I am going to Hell.

4. It took me two hours to figure out how to log-in to my blog. I am not sure if that should be included in this list, but I am going to do it anyway.

5. Apparently I let Mr. Swirley walk out of the house wearing one of my sweaters. I mean, that is f’ing hilarious, but I am still a craptastic friend. It was a really tight one too.

5 thoughts on “No, he’s not a sly fox. He’s at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.

  1. You are such an amazing writer. I promised myself I was only going to go support the FITL peeps by going and bookmarking you to read more tomorrow. Instead, I got completely sucked in and have spent about an hour. <3
    Question – how old is your son in the video on your homepage? You're talking about school, and life, and he paints his carrots – know which one I'm talking about? (not sure if they rotate)…
    You're so bookmarked…

  2. Thanks, boo! That is so very nice of you. That was last month (Jan), making him, um, almost 2.5. He is, in case you are wondering, still a jerk in Feb.

  3. i am happy that me being a jerk amuses people. seriously. then I don’t feel so bad. i just put a bleach-laced finger in my eyeball. excuse me while i die. see you down under.

  4. Pingback: Bad parenting moments: Crazy haircuts

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