We still haven’t moved. I know. However, despite my best efforts, I think we landed renters. I told Mr. Swirley that I morph into another person when I show the place. I start to speak very quickly in a high- pitched and tend to bargain with myself. The most awkward showing was last Friday. Ready? Here we go.
Ellis refused to nap which clearly really pissed me off. I opened his door to find this.
If you can’t tell, EK dumped the contents of his bureau on the floor. This is better than the time I opened the door to find him naked from the waist down and stomping in his pee (two weeks ago),but worse than the time he was a total angel and slept for three hours. The latter never happened.
Anyway, I packed him up in a hurry and rushed out the door to neighbor Kosy’s house for fear I was going to yell at him so loudly the neighbors would worry. As we stepped outside, I saw four people standing on our corner just sort of looking around. They creeped me out by talking about Ellis to me in that weird stranger way and just loitered there as we snaked through their group. We walked/ran four houses down, called Kosy and told her we were coming over – like it or not. At precisely the same moment that the group walked up to me, my neighbor opened her door. It quickly became apparent that they were looking to rent our condo and instead of responding like a normal person (i.e., “Come back in an hour”), I threw Ellis at Kosy and showed them in while profusely apologizing for the state of my house.
Imagine your place messy, multiply that by five, throw it in a tornado and add a few dirty diapers. That is a clean day. They walked in to the first bedroom (our room) which is filled with boxes, and started to laugh. That made me feel really good about myself; cue high-pitched, fast-paced voice. “Umm, we can take the bike holder things down or leave them up, uhhhh, it’s pretty quiet, uhhhhh.” [SHUT UP ANNIE! STOP TALKING! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SWEATING? WHY IS YOUR PIE HOLE SO DRY AND WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO SLAP YOUR TONGUE AROUND IN THAT GIANT BLACK HOLE IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO IMPROVE THE SITUATION?] To make matters worse, after conversing with each other in Chinese (no doubt admiring our dust bunnies), the main dude asked if the boxes “were all ours” followed up with a big, fat wry grin. My response? Similar to the Qtip incident, I quickly said, “Pshhh, NO! That’s crazy!” I mean, why would all of these boxes in my own house from which I am moving be ours? Why did I feel the need to lie to these strangers? They continued to snicker at whatever they were snickering at (I don’t speak Mandarin) and never called me to follow up. I can’t really blame them as I have been cast in that incredibly sought after role of “crazy cat lady landlord”. Yessss!
Today Ellis and I visited the Farm in the Zoo (because I didn’t know his gymnastics class was cancelled…I never read anything they send me), the recycling plant, a play date with our man, Tate, a painless (!!?!) haircut and Clybourn Park (aka the El Park because its proximity to the El train is pretty much its only redeeming quality).
|A man and his ladies.|
|He sort of reminds me of Braveheart in this little montage or whatever you call it.|