5 Netflix movies you can stream with grandma this Thanksgiving

The holidays are upon us and you know what that means…watching sex scenes with grandma. Er, I mean, eating turkey and stuff.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have rented a movie, popped that sucker in and then coughed/rolled my eyeballs/used the restroom during inappropriate sex scenes and/or gross violence. Call me immature, but watching Clerks with my grandpa or little cousin doesn’t get me into the holiday spirit.

As a favor to you and your sweat glands, below are some movies you can stream via Netflix to avoid an awkward situation all together. Consider it an early holiday present from yours truly.

school of rock1. The School of Rock (PG-13).Jack Black plays a rock musician who refuses to grow up …much to the chagrin of others. He assumes his brother’s identity and lands a job as substitute teacher in a prestigious private school. Initially not wanting to exert too much energy, Black’s character “plays it cool” only to then enlist the “help” of his class to win a Battle of the Bands. On the way, he falls for Joan Cusack‘s character, an uptight-turned-awesome principal, and learns a lesson or two. The kids add a fun component and make this a family friendly movie.

Common Sense Media ranks this as a movie appropriate for ages 11 and up.

2 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (PG-13). I’m not going to lie, I often have trouble figuring out what in God’s name Johnny Depp’s character, Captain Jack Sparrow, is muttering. So, if you have someone hard of hearing joining in on the viewing party, this might not be for you. That said, this is a pretty solid film for everyone in the family. Romance (not enough to make you shift in your seat) + action + comedy = 2:23 minutes not spent listening to your great aunt recount her trip to Walmart.

Common Sense Media ranks this as a movie appropriate for ages 12 and up.

holes2003cdcover451883. Holes (PG). I love this movie. Based on the bestselling Louis Sachar’s novel by the same name, a young Shia LaBeouf is sent a youth detention camp that forces inmates to dig holes day after day. For what? I guess you and granny will have to wait and see. You should watch this even if your younger cousins are downstairs texting each other instead of talking like the post-mod freaks that they are.

Common Sense Media ranks this as a movie appropriate for ages 10 and up.

4. Scrooged (PG-13). Yes, this movie is from the 80s, Yes, it includes some gore (I mean, what Christmas doesn’t include massacres?) and mention of a third nipple. But I still think it’s a solid pick if only for the fact that Bill Murray is the leading man – good old Scrooge. It’s cute, festive and retro for your teen cousins who are SOOOOO into misusing the term “irony”.
Common Sense Media ranks this movie appropriate for ages 12 and up.

How_to_marry_a_millionaire5. How to Marry a Millionaire (NR). This 1953 film is just perfection, aside from that whole “women should marry a man for money” thing. Lauren Bacall, Betty Grable and Marilyn Monroe play three models looking to land themselves a millionaire. However, as you already know, choosing a mate based on net worth alone doesn’t always work out in one’s best interests. It’s a cute comedy that might be appreciated by the older generation hogging couch space.

Common Sense Media ranks this movie appropriate for ages 12 and up.

Feel free to pass along an suggestions for holiday movie-watching fun!

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You have power over me, David Bowie’s pants in Labyrinth [PHOTOS!]

It’s no secret that I love David Bowie. So how could I not go to Chicago’s Museum of Contemporary Art when they decided to air “Labyrinth”. You remind me of the babe, with pictures! Check out my post on ChicagoNow.

5 hilarious Netflix shows that make you feel like less of a jerk

Sometimes I think I am kind of a jerkface. Or at least the television I enjoy watching is full of a$$holes which makes me think maybe I have a little of that in me? I mean, you don’t think smarmy humor is funny unless you too are kind of mean, right?

Still with me? Alright! Maybe you too are kind of a meanie. If so, I suggest you stream these Netflix goodies so you can let loose and revel in your bad attitude, nay, OUR bad attitudes.

1. The League.I found this show when I pregnant and bed-ridden. OK, maybe I wasn’t bed-ridden, but like I said, I am a jerk and faked it a little so I could watch these until my eyeballs fell out. I even took to using applicable League quotes as blog post titles because they are so effing funny.

Oh, and if you actually care about plot, it’s about a group of long-time friends involved in a fantasy football league.

A few of my favorites lines:

“Words are bullshit. They are just useless sounds that we make with our stupid mouths. Knives… That’s how stuff gets done.” (Raffi)

“No. If Sofia and I split up, 50% of my time, I would have to spend 100% of my time with my kid. Right now, I’m rocking, like, 50% coverage 30% of my time. You cannot beat those numbers.” (Ruxin)

“You are not just clients to us, but nameless strangers with money as well.” (Taco)

“This dog is real, your baby’s hypothetical. And, I think, a mistake.” (Andre)

The current season of The League can be viewed on FXX.

2. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If I ever need to feel better about my own asshattery, all I have to do is stream an episode of ‘It’s Always Sunny” and I am Atlas no more. It is such a profoundly offensive show. You know the cool/not cool scale where one can ostensibly be so uncool they are cool? Maybe this show…actually,no,no this show can NEVER BE inoffensive.

It’s great and horrible all the same time. Current season can be viewed on FXX.

yes. dear God, yes.

yes. dear God, yes.

3. Louie. Louie CK writes, edits, directs and produces this hilarious FX show (show-off is more like it. ) Playing a fictionalized character of himself, he is a recently divorced dad of two girls living the dream in NYC while working as a stand-up comedian. As far as making the viewer uncomfortable, Louie nails it. But I think that is why I love this show – because normalizing the awkward and absurd means you can’t take yourself too seriously. Watch season 4 on FX in winter 2015

4. An Idiot Abroad. Ricky Gervais is such a massive jerk – the kind of jerk I totally want to befriend. Short story: Ricky’s friend, Karl Pilkington, hasn’t traveled much outside of the UK. Enter Ricky and Stephen Merchant who plot out international adventures to “help” Karl broaden his horizons. Needless to say, Karl is often unimpressed – especially when Ricky and Stephen throw him under the bus.

It’s freaking hysterical. Plus Karl got a book deal out of the whole thing and a few extra trips to exotic locales.

5. Wilfred. Netflix’s description: This offbeat comedy follows the experiences of a depressed man who becomes convinced that his neighbor’s dog is actually a man wearing a costume.

So yea, it’s pretty obvious why I am recommending this sucker. Oh, and it’s also fairly inappropriate. Catch the current season on FXX.

6. Arrested Development. Listen, if you haven’t seen this show, I really don’t know what to say. I mean, I guess I can “I’m sorry for you. You have been robbed of joy and happiness. Whoever denied you such pleasure should be strung up and forced to listen to the people who drive down my alley honking day and night.”

Also, this is the meanest, most dysfunctional family and I wish Lucille would have adopted me instead of Hel-loh “Annyong” Bluth. I hate that kid.

I am also pretty angry at the FOX execs for letting this one go and IN LOVE with the Netflix folks who produced another season (you know who you are).

So there you have it. If you are in a dickish mood, or just need your wicked behavior validated, watch any (I suggest ALL) of these shows. I mean, you can’t be that terrible when you compare yourself to pretty much any of the above-listed characters.